Political Irony

[Jokes from Nov. 9, 2016]

“Donald Trump is gonna be president. Republicans hope he’ll keep his promise to build the wall, and Democrats hope he’ll keep his promise not to accept the election results.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Last night Donald Trump reached out and grabbed America by the … Virginia.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Last night, Donald Trump was elected president. The first thing I did this morning was call my old high school bully and congratulate him.” – Conan O’Brien

“I had the weirdest, weirdest dream last night. Remember that guy who used to host “The Apprentice”? I dreamed we elected him president.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Two things happened last night: Donald Trump got elected president, and my job just got easier for the next four years.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump won the presidential election last night and then, out of habit, Kellyanne Conway said, ‘No, he didn’t!'” – Seth Meyers

“After the results came in, Donald Trump gave a big victory speech. He said he couldn’t have done it without the love of his life, his rock, his better half … FBI Director James Comey.” – Jimmy Fallon

“It was a weird night to be watching the news. If you were flipping around, every news anchor on every channel was just going, ‘uhhh,’ and then going to commercial.” – James Corden

“As the evening went on and the results came in, every anchor looked like a child slowly realizing that no one was showing up to his birthday party.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama called Donald Trump last night to congratulate him, and even invited him to the White House for a meeting tomorrow. Of course, it was hard to understand Obama, ’cuz at the time he was chewing 80 pieces of Nicorette.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama congratulated Donald Trump in a speech today and reminded the country that we ‘are all on the same team.’ It’s just that now, half of us are on defense.” – Seth Meyers

“President Obama has invited Donald Trump to the White House on Thursday to discuss transition plans. And Trump is pretty nervous, he’s never been to a black man’s house before.” – Seth Meyers

“Trump also received congratulations from Russian President Vladimir Putin. They spent two minutes on the phone discussing politics, then an hour saying, ‘No YOU hang up!’ ‘No YOU hang up first.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“People who voted for Trump are happy today. People who voted for Hillary are disappointed. But listen, no matter who you voted for, the important thing is you all got stickers.” – James Corden

“When Hillary found out she lost she conceded with grace and dignity. When Gary Johnson found out he lost he was like, ‘Wait, the election was yesterday?'” – James Corden

“For the millions who are disappointed for Hillary, remember, America has a special place for people who lose. Ironically, it’s the cast of ‘Celebrity Apprentice’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Hillary underperformed among women, African-Americans, Hispanics, and young voters. Really the only place she did very well was among pollsters.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I read that polls may have been off because the shift to cellphones made it harder to collect data from people. Then Hillary said, ‘They seemed to have a pretty easy time collecting data from MY phone!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Apple began selling refurbished iPhones in its online store yesterday. Which is good news for the 40 million people who smashed their screens last night.” – Seth Meyers