[Jokes from Oct. 31, 2016]
“After claiming the election is rigged, Donald Trump said at a rally last week that the country should, quote, ‘Just cancel the election and give it to Trump.’ And then on Friday, FBI director James Comey said, ‘OK.'” – Seth Meyers
“On Friday, FBI Director James Comey sent a letter to Republican lawmakers saying he has found new emails that may be involved in the Hillary Clinton email scandal and that the FBI plans to investigate. Donald Trump has been caught on tape admitting he gropes women and yet the election has turned back to emails.” – James Corden
“The emails the FBI are investigating actually came from the computer of Anthony Weiner. Anthony Weiner is, of course, the politician who was disgraced for sending naked pictures to, well, just about everyone. Of course a Weiner was going to get in the way of the first female president in the White House.” – James Corden
“These Hillary email scandals brought Anthony Weiner back into the news. Here’s a question nobody is asking. Anthony Weiner is Jewish, right? Right? So, does this scandal make him a Hebrew National Weiner?” – Jimmy Fallon
“The FBI found the emails while investigating illicit messages sent to an underage girl by Clinton aide Huma Abedin’s estranged husband and es-strange guy Anthony Weiner. Apparently, they found them while searching his laptop. Dear God, I hope they used gloves.” – Stephen Colbert
“It makes sense on the weekend of Halloween that Donald Trump’s campaign comes back from the dead for one final scare.” – James Corden
“Today was Halloween and right on cue, Hillary’s private email server came back from the dead.” – Seth Meyers
“This October surprise comes right as Secretary Clinton was riding high in the polls in the wake of sexual assault accusations against Donald Trump. Truly, for the Clinton campaign, horny men giveth, and horny men taketh away.” – Stephen Colbert
“On Sunday night, Trump supporters started using the hashtag ‘Hillary for Prison,’ but they were adding an extra ‘I’ so it read hashtag ‘Hillary for Prision.’ They thought that the correct spelling was being blocked by Twitter.” – James Corden
“The thing is, nobody who wants Hillary to go to jail can even describe to you why she should have to go there. They’re like, ‘because, you know, there was the email thing and — hashtag prision, man.’ Which makes me think that these people are ‘mor-ions.'” – James Corden
“Donald Trump told supporters last night that Hillary Clinton wants to bring 650 million immigrants into the United States within one week of taking office. Whereas if he wins, Canada gets 150 million immigrants.” – Seth Meyers
“A Trump supporter was arrested in Iowa last week for in-person voter fraud after she attempted to vote twice. She said the first vote was to make America great. And the second one was to make America great again.” – Seth Meyers
“There are just eight days left until the election. So if anyone’s still thinking of running, now’s the time.” – Seth Meyers
“According to a survey of over 40,000 Americans, candy corn was the most popular Halloween candy state by state. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups got the most votes overall. So basically, Reese’s got the popular vote and candy corn won the Electoral College.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“NASA’s early-warning asteroid intruder alert system spotted an asteroid as it passed by Earth last night, and I think I speak for all of us when I say, ‘Come back, asteroid!'” – Seth Meyers
