[Jokes from Oct. 25, 2016]
“Donald Trump’s campaign has to be getting a little worried because of some of the new poll numbers. Even Trump himself actually admitted that he’s somewhat behind in the polls but not by much. But remember, this is a guy that thinks a million dollars from your dad is just a small loan.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Analysts are speculating that communication between Donald Trump and his campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, has become practically nonexistent. They say if she spoke to Trump any less, they’d be married.” – Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump’s campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, appeared on Trump’s new Facebook Live show and said Trump ‘unequivocally’ will win the election. So, look out, CNN! There’s a NEW often-wrong news channel in town!” – Seth Meyers
“It’s come out that Donald Trump has spent a large portion of his campaign donations buying copies of his own book, ‘The Art of the Deal.’ Trump supporters are angry that he misused their money, and even angrier that he bought a book.” – Conan O’Brien
“Yesterday, The New York Times published a giant list of everyone and everything Trump has insulted on Twitter since declaring his candidacy. Then they had to print a correction today after Donald Trump insulted the list itself.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump today criticized some of his Republican primary opponents for refusing to endorse him, saying, quote, ‘I don’t know how they live with themselves.’ Said his opponents, ‘We don’t. We live with our wives.'” – Seth Meyers
“A political science professor at SUNY Stony Brook claims he has developed a new mathematical model that predicts Donald Trump will win the election. Said Trump, ‘Mathematical model? She sounds ugly. Hard pass.'” – Seth Meyers
“A new report in Indiana has found that thousands of dead people are still registered to vote. Which explains why today, Donald Trump held four rallies and three séances.” – Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump’s running mate, Mike Pence, threw a baseball to reporters today with a note saying that he’s rooting for the Cubs. And then the reporters turned the ball over and the other side said, ‘Help!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The government just announced that next year [Obamacare] premiums are going up by 25 percent. I haven’t seen Obama hike something so high since he stopped wearing mom jeans.” – Stephen Colbert
“And the next president clearly will have to come in and clean up this mess. Unless it’s Trump, in which case, all healthcare will be replaced by a ‘Dr. Oz’ episode about calf implants.” – Stephen Colbert
“WikiLeaks has been releasing emails from the Clinton campaign, because they’re committed to transparency — or however you say ‘transparency’ in Russian. Transparenchnik.” – Stephen Colbert
