[Jokes from Oct. 18, 2016. It is a little weird reading jokes from before the world exploded, but I’m going to post them anyway. If you don’t like that, skip them.]
“Every four years Scholastic News Magazine sponsors a mock election where kids from all over the country cast a vote for president. The results have been correct in every election since 1964 and this year Hillary Clinton won in a landslide; she beat Trump 52%-35%. The other 13% voted for SpongeBob.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Of course Trump took to Twitter to express his frustration. ‘Children are fat and disgusting.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“It’s been 11 days since we heard Donald Trump on the Grope-Town Express, and a lot of people have distanced themselves from Donald Trump — at least one arm’s length.” – Stephen Colbert
“Last night, Melania explained who she really blames for Donald Trump’s behavior. Yes, it was all Billy Bush’s fault. Now I know why they were on a bus — it’s easier to throw Billy underneath it.” – Stephen Colbert
“Yesterday Trump’s devoted wife Melania gave an interview to Anderson Cooper where she defended Donald, saying that Billy Bush basically manipulated her husband into saying those things. Because if there’s one thing we know about Donald Trump, he usually does exactly what people tell him to do.” – James Corden
“Melania was standing by her husband. Well, actually she stands behind him. Otherwise he’ll try to grab her you-know-where.” – James Corden
“Responding to accusations of harassment, Melania said that she’s seen many women try to slip Trump their phone numbers. Much like how Melania tried slipping Anderson Cooper a piece of paper that said ‘Please rescue me, my life is a prison.'” – James Corden
“Spending at Trump-brand properties is said to be down more than 16% from last year. New reports say travelers have been canceling vacations at Trump resorts and avoiding restaurants on Trump properties. Good news, sales of red baseball caps are through the roof.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“This week, Ringling Brothers Circus is launching a new campaign titled ‘The circus wants the circus back,’ because they’re tired of people referring to the election as a ‘circus’, saying it casts a negative light on their profession. You know the election is bad when the bearded lady and lizard-man are like, ‘I can’t be associated with this freak show.'” – James Corden
“Every day, we get another revelation about Clinton from WikiLeaks. Any more, and we’re going to need WikiDepends.” – Stephen Colbert
“The latest is a list of the vice presidents Hillary Clinton was considering. It includes political superstars like Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar, and Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack. Also in this WikiLeaks-released list are business leaders like Apple CEO Tim Cook and Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz. Apparently, Hillary decided against Schultz because the race already had one pumpkin-spiced candidate.” – Stephen Colbert
