[Jokes from Oct. 13, 2016]
“After that ‘Access Hollywood’ tape came out, a number of prominent Republicans called for Trump to drop out. But now, because of the pressure from the ‘Trump-ublican’ base, some of those who denounced him say they’re still planning to vote for him. They essentially un-unendorsed him so as not to anger those who might vote for them.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“This is putting a lot of Republicans running for re-election in a tough spot. If they support him, they lose a lot of moderates, but if they don’t, they lose the rest. It’s like they found themselves in a ‘Saw’ movie just before Halloween.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Donald Trump spoke at a campaign event in Florida today where he once again said Hillary Clinton should be locked up. Well, Donald, if it’s any consolation, it looks like the election is locked up.” – Seth Meyers
“We are 25 days away from the election and Donald Trump is burning up like a meteor entering the atmosphere. Five women have come forward this week to claim he behaved inappropriately with them, touching, etc., including a reporter from People magazine and former pageant winner. Which is very bad news for his campaign. The good news is, he just got an offer to be the spokesman for Jell-O pudding. – Jimmy Kimmel
“During a rally in Florida yesterday Donald Trump boasted about his plans for ISIS and said he will ‘be their worst nightmare.’ Oh, wow, so he’s also running for president of ISIS?J” – Seth Meyers
“I got a personal email from Mr. Donald J. Trump who offered me an exclusive Trump Presidential Black Card. For a one-time initiation fee of $35, you can get a card that has no benefits or rewards whatsoever. A black card? Is this how he’s reaching out to the black community, with the card?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“There’s also a Trump Gold Card. That’s $49. So you can get the elite Black Card for $35, or the even less exclusive Trump Gold Card for $14 more. There’s finally a card that’s more embarrassing to carry than Discover.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“How did Donald Trump get my email address? I bet the Russians had something to do it.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The third and final debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump is coming up in Las Vegas next week, and Hillary’s holding a contest where the winner gets to actually go watch it in person. Everyone was like, ‘Yeesh, what does the loser get?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The best email that’s been leaked so far claims that Hillary met with rapper Q-Tip last year to discuss how to appeal to hip-hop fans. The big takeaway for Hillary: Whatever you do, don’t try to rap.” – Jimmy Fallon
“I guess the meeting with Q-Tip really affected Hillary because afterwards, she actually came up with some rapper names for herself. First, she tried Lil’ Wheezy. Then she tried Run DNC. And finally, she tried Wiz Deleeta.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama has only 100 days left in office. Obama was like, ‘I just can’t wait to get home to Kenya.'” – Seth Meyers
