[Jokes from Oct. 12, 2016]
“Trump’s campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, said this morning that Republicans should decide whether or not they support Donald Trump and ‘stop pussyfooting around’. That’s the worst choice of words since Abraham Lincoln said, ‘I need slavery like I need a hole in the head.'” – Seth Meyers
“Trump denied the (groping) allegations, calling them ‘ludicrous’ at a rally today. But here’s the problem for Trump: There’s very good reason to believe he did what he’s accused of. Why? Because an irrefutable, inside source told us so: Donald Trump. Donald Trump is his own Deep Throat. He’s Creep Throat.” – Seth Meyers
“A former ‘Apprentice’ contestant says that Donald Trump didn’t know the names of all the women on the show, and would describe them by their bodies and looks. When asked about it, Trump said, ‘Which woman said that? Brown Hair/Lazy Eye or Blond Hair/Nose Job?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump, last night, criticized Republicans who are dropping support for his campaign, saying, ‘I wouldn’t want to be in a foxhole with a lot of these people.’ Trump made the comment while talking to everyone’s favorite foxhole, Bill O’Reilly.” – Seth Meyers
“Some very prominent Republican donors are reported to be asking for their money back. Because if there’s one thing Donald Trump is known for, it’s giving money back.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Asking Donald Trump for your money back is like asking Chris Christie for a bite of his cheeseburger, it isn’t going to happen. You’ll have to pry it out of his cold, tiny hands.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Former House Speaker John Boehner says he still plans on voting for Trump even though he said, ‘Donald wasn’t my first choice, wasn’t my second choice, for that matter he wasn’t my third choice.’ ‘Who was your fourth choice?’ whispered Jeb.” – Seth Meyers
“Donald Trump told supporters last night to go out and vote on November 28th, when Election Day is actually November 8th. Unless November 8th is just a lie being spread by the liberal media.” – Seth Meyers
“Donald Trump just released a new TV ad attacking Hillary Clinton’s health, with clips of her coughing. Which was effective till the end, when he says, ‘I’m Donald Trump and I approve this message. (LONG SNIFF)'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Yesterday, Al Gore campaigned for Hillary Clinton at a Florida rally attended by 1,600 people. Unfortunately for Gore, a recount showed that it was only 1,300 people.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama is winding down his time in office. He’s got less than 100 days left. But he’s keeping busy, still pushing his agenda, he’s working to fight climate change, he’s shortening sentences for drug offenders, every night he goes down to the basement to visit Merrick Garland, his nominee for the Supreme Court.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The reason President Obama is working so hard up to the end is to avoid helping his wife pack the house; it’s a pain in the ass, and he wants no part of it.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Today was Yom Kippur, or as Gary Johnson calls it, ‘The capital of Thailand?'” – Seth Meyers
