[Jokes from Oct. 11, 2016]
“Trump is still under fire for the lewd and offensive tape that was released last week which he referred to as ‘locker-room talk’. Well now pro athletes are speaking out against this, saying that’s not how they speak in the locker room. While Tim Tebow said, ‘I don’t even like to say ‘Billy Bush!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“A new national poll found that Democrats now have a significant lead over Republicans in the congressional races. Republicans said, ‘And there’s only one man to blame for this,’ and Donald Trump said, ‘Exactly: Billy Bush.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump lashed out at a number of Republicans on Twitter today, the ones who have been distancing themselves from him. He called Speaker of the House Paul Ryan a weak and ineffective leader. He called John McCain foul-mouthed. He also tweeted, ‘It so is nice the shackles have been taken off me and I can now fight for America the way I want to.’ This is how he’s been behaving with shackles ON?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Donald Trump tweeted earlier today, quote, ‘It is so nice that the shackles have been taken off me and I can now fight for America the way I want to.’ What shackles are you talking about? The only thing that ever shackled you was the 140-character limit on Twitter.” – Seth Meyers
“A number of cable news outlets called it a tweet storm. During this terrible tweet storm I think we should take a moment to acknowledge Donald Trump’s thumbs because those chubby little baby carrots have been working so very hard lately, they’re worn down to the nubs and I applaud them for doing so much work.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“And NOW you’re going to fight for America? Hey buddy, you’re not Rosa Parks. You know how I know? People LIKED what Rosa Parks said on the bus. Huge difference.” – Seth Meyers
“The Cleveland Indians yesterday completed their sweep of the Boston Red Sox and will move on in the ALCS. ‘I hate the Indians,’ said Donald Trump, who wasn’t talking about baseball.” – Seth Meyers
“Happy 41st wedding anniversary to Bill and Hillary Clinton! Yep, they celebrated with a quiet dinner. A really, REALLY quiet dinner. ‘Did you say something?’ ‘No.’ ‘Good.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Hillary Clinton campaigned in Florida today with Al Gore. You’re making Al Gore go back to Florida? That’s so cruel. That’s like making Joe Frazier go back to Manila.” – Seth Meyers
“In a new MTV documentary with Macklemore, Obama says that when he was a teen he drank and did drugs, adding, ‘I pretty much tried whatever was out there.’ When asked what made him stop, Obama said, ‘Stop?'” – Jimmy Fallon
