[Jokes from Sept. 28, 2016]
“There are now about six more weeks left in the election. And we know that because this morning, Trump’s hair popped out and saw its shadow.” – Jimmy Fallon
“According to Forbes magazine, Donald Trump’s wealth is down $800 million from last year. He’s only worth $3.7 billion now, and I’ll tell you something, Mexico is going to pay for it.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“But the good news is, while his net worth may be down, his self-worth is at an all-time high.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“At the next debate, Donald Trump is threatening to talk about all of Bill Clinton’s affairs. Hillary’s not too worried, because the debate’s only 90 minutes.” – Conan O’Brien
“The second presidential debate is just 11 days away, and this one will have a town hall format. The first question will be, ‘Why’d you have to do this in OUR town?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The organizer of the presidential debates is allowing social media users to vote on debate questions. That’s why, as of today, the No. 1 question for the next presidential debate is ‘hey, u up?'” – Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump is still being mocked for promising in the debate to ‘cut taxes bigly’. Trump has apologized, and promised in the next debate he’ll ‘speak more goodly’.” – Conan O’Brien
“Last night, Donald Trump told an audience that before Monday’s debate — this is a quote — ‘I pretended I was talking to my family.’ Then he admitted he frequently accuses his family of deleting emails and creating ISIS.” – Conan O’Brien
“It’s reported that even the Taliban actually had a debate viewing party. So for the first time, it looks like they’re torturing themselves.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama’s upcoming South by South Lawn festival at the White House will have a virtual reality psychological experiment that makes you feel like you’re in a small jail cell. Or as Obama calls it, ‘the Oval Office’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Yesterday, a group of Democratic senators sent a letter to Yahoo asking why they took so long to report the hack of 500 million users. That’s how little faith they have in Yahoo email — they sent a LETTER.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Hillary Clinton is campaigning with Bernie Sanders for the millennial vote. They’re trying to get millennials with the opening line, ‘Hey, our combined age is approximately one millennium.'” – Conan O’Brien
“SpaceX CEO Elon Musk announced plans yesterday to colonize Mars, saying the main requirement for early settlers would be that they are, quote ‘ready to die.’ Said Hillary, ‘I’ll let you know November 9th.'” – Seth Meyers
“Yesterday was National Register to Vote Day. Singer Katy Perry got naked and told people to vote. The video got like 6 million views already. Hopefully it encouraged people to sign up. But here’s the thing: Anyone who needs Katy Perry to take her shirt off in order to register to vote should not be allowed to register to vote.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“It’s our responsibility as Americans to register to vote, to go to our local polling places, and make a choice between two people nobody can believe are our only available options.” – Jimmy Kimmel
