[Jokes from Aug. 30, 2016]
“On September 26th Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton will face off in a debate at Hofstra University. The Clinton campaign is using psychology experts to create a personality profile of Trump to figure out what his approach might be. I don’t know, are they preparing for a debate or trying to catch the Zodiac Killer?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The first presidential debate is now less than one month away and apparently the candidates have two very different ways of preparing. Hillary Clinton pores over briefing books, thick with policy arcana and opposition research. Meanwhile, Donald Trump is all about spectacle. One former aide said ‘Trump wants to be a showstopper in the Roman coliseum, the main event at WrestleMania.’ Which makes sense since just like pro wrestling, you look at Trump’s campaign and say ‘That’s got to be fake!'” – Stephen Colbert
“Both candidates are practicing for the debates, and according to insiders, Hillary Clinton is still trying to find a stand-in for Donald Trump. So far the best she’s come up with is a car alarm stuffed inside a rotting pumpkin.” – Conan O’Brien
“Hillary Clinton said, ‘I’m not taking anything for granted, I don’t know which Donald Trump will show up.’ She’s right, it could be the Donald Trump we see on cable news, could be the Donald Trump we see at these rallies, it could be Donald Trump Jr. … technically still a Donald Trump.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Hillary Clinton spoke yesterday about her preparation for the upcoming presidential debate, and told reporters, quote, ‘I do not know which Donald Trump will show up.’ Yes — will it be the kind, generous and intelligent Donald Trump, or will it be the one who exists?” – Seth Meyers
“According to a new poll, 54 percent of Republican voters don’t believe Trump was the best choice to be their party’s nominee for president, they wished they’d picked someone else. Kind of like when you go to buy a shirt. You see all these shirts, plain patterns, regular shirts. They look OK but not exciting. Then tucked in the middle of all these plain shirts, you see this totally awesome shirt. It’s bold. It’s different. It doesn’t play by the other shirts’ rules. You buy it, you get home, you try the shirt on, you look at yourself in the mirror and then your wife walks in and says, ‘What the hell are you wearing?'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Trump is planning a major immigration policy speech Wednesday in Arizona. Now, he was originally supposed to give it last Thursday in Colorado, so it moved later and further south. If he delays it again, it’s Monday at the Panama Canal.” – Stephen Colbert
“On Sunday in California, several dozen Latinos held a rally for Donald Trump. They were a group calling themselves ‘Latinos Who Don’t Really Follow the News’.” – Conan O’Brien
“Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway said in an interview today that Donald Trump’s focus on a border wall is because ‘a wall is something very easy for people to understand.’ Whereas tax returns, super complicated.” – Seth Meyers
“An African-American pastor who is a prominent Trump campaign surrogate tweeted out a cartoon of Hillary Clinton in blackface yesterday and accused her of pandering to black voters. Clinton responded calling the accusations, quote, ‘untrue’ and ‘wack as hell, dawg.'” – Seth Meyers
“Anthony Weiner’s wife, Huma Abedin, has decided to finally separate from him after his latest sexting scandal. So ladies: ‘He’s single!” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump weighed in on this, saying that our national security may have been compromised by the scandal because Weiner’s wife had access to Hillary’s security briefs. I wouldn’t worry though, ‘cuz Weiner’s only sharing the stuff that’s in his own briefs.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Mrs. Palin just posted on Facebook that she tripped and fell while doing something called ‘Rock-running’. Not sure what rock-running is, but I think it’s when you jog while playing air guitar.” – Stephen Colbert
“Palin fell and hit her head on a rock. Don’t worry, she’s OK or, you know, the same.” – Stephen Colbert
“This November, Californians get to vote on whether or not to legalize recreational marijuana. They can either forget to vote in person, or forget to vote by mail.” – Conan O’Brien
“Ryan Lochte and former Gov. Rick Perry will appear on this season’s ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ The theme of this season is ‘Dumb’.” – Conan O’Brien
“Pope Francis met with Mark Zuckerberg yesterday at the Vatican, and it was revealed that the Pope doesn’t actually have an official Facebook account. In other words, he wants to connect with millions of Catholics worldwide, just not the ones he went to high school with.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Zuckerberg actually gave the Pope a drone. The Pope was like, ‘You mean it hovers above us and sees everything? Yeah, I’ve already got one of those. It’s called God.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Queen Elizabeth is advertising for a housekeeping assistant to live and work in Buckingham Palace. The job would require dusting all the palace antiques — like chandeliers, vases, and Queen Elizabeth.” – Jimmy Fallon
