[Jokes from Aug. 29, 2016]
“Donald Trump is trying to turn his poll numbers around and recently told his supporters that if he’s elected, the White House will become the people’s house. He was like, ‘Because I ain’t living in that dump. I’m going to get a mansion down the street and I’ll check in every other week.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“A 25-year-old has scammed over $1 million from Trump supporters. It’s being called ‘the first time in years that the Trump name has actually made someone money.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump’s doctor, Harold Bornstein, has been making the rounds to defend his unusually effusive report on the candidate’s health . . . He wrote, ‘If elected, Mr. Trump, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.’ I guess that means he did physicals on Obama and Reagan and Lincoln, too.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Donald Trump’s campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, spoke about Trump’s new immigration policy over the weekend, and said he will ensure that enforcement is humane. Humane? I don’t think it’s a good sign when a candidate is talking about undocumented immigrants the same way KFC talks about chickens.” – Seth Meyers
“Donald Trump is challenging Hillary Clinton to release ‘detailed medical records’. This marks the first time Trump’s ever been interested in the body of a woman over 40.” – Conan O’Brien
“Hillary Clinton has begun pledging $30 billion over the next decade to retrain coal miners to be able to work in newer technology businesses, so get ready for an interesting trip to the Apple Store.” – Seth Meyers
“Apple next week is expected to unveil the iPhone 7. ‘How’s the camera?’ asked Anthony Weiner.” – Seth Meyers
“Anthony Weiner is back in the news with another sexting scandal. He’s like the Michael Phelps of sexting. He keeps saying he’s going to retire, but every four years he’s back.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Kim Jong Un reportedly threw a huge outdoor dance party on Thursday to celebrate the successful test of North Korea’s ballistic missile. Residents described the party as fun, exciting, and mandatory.” – Jimmy Fallon
