[Jokes from Aug. 24, 2016]
“After more than a year of promising mass deportations of undocumented immigrants, last night Donald Trump actually referred to them as ‘great people’. Even Ryan Lochte was like, ‘Get your story straight, man!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“At first Donald Trump came out with guns blazing, said he’s going to kick all the Mexicans out, he’s going to build a wall to keep them from coming back in. Last night during a town hall on Fox News he said he could be softening, which is normal, it happens to a lot of men his age.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“A new report has found that Donald Trump may have used some of his campaign funds to buy thousands of copies of his own book. Oh my God, that’s what he’s gonna use to build the wall!” – Seth Meyers
“He’s now agreed to give immigrants a 30-minute head start before he tries to catch them with a net.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Not only is he reaching out to the Hispanic vote, he’s been reaching out to the black community. Donald Trump said he loves African-Americans, in fact some of his best credit cards are black.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The Trump campaign said pollsters aren’t counting people who are afraid to say they’re Trump supporters. That’s right, because Trump supporters are very, very shy.” – Conan O’Brien
“Melania Trump is getting ready to sue the British newspaper the Daily Mail for writing that she once worked as an escort. Yep, Melania says she strongly denies the accusation that she has ever worked.” – Jimmy Fallon
“NASA announced they have re-established contact with a spacecraft that had been missing for two years. The spacecraft went missing again when it was told who the Republican nominee is.” – Conan O’Brien
“A new poll released today shows Hillary Clinton is 9 points ahead of Donald Trump in New Mexico. And 100 points ahead in Old Mexico.” – Seth Meyers
“Jennifer Lawrence was just named the world’s highest paid actress, bringing in $46 million last year before taxes. Yep, she narrowly beat out the world’s second highest paid actress: Hillary Clinton.” – Jimmy Fallon
“According to Hillary Clinton’s newly-released medical records, she suffers from seasonal allergies. But she just takes some Benadryl and they’re all deleted.” – Conan O’Brien
“Experts say Hillary Clinton’s campaign strategy is to ignore the controversies, and just run out the clock. By the way, that also happens to be Hillary Clinton’s marital strategy.” – Conan O’Brien
“Hillary Clinton held fundraisers today in Silicon Valley. Said Hillary, ‘It’s so great to be back here in the town where I was built.'” – Seth Meyers
