[Jokes from Aug. 23, 2016]
“A 12-year-old boy is actually running one of Trump’s campaign offices in Colorado. When asked how an inexperienced child could be running things, the boy said, ‘Look, he’s the nominee and we’re stuck with him.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump yesterday continued his attempts to appeal to black voters, telling attendees at a rally, ‘What the hell do you have to lose? Give me a chance!’ Said black voters, ‘We’re not at this rally.'” – Seth Meyers
“The GOP has already started making a strategy around the assumption that Hillary Clinton will win the presidency. Which may explain the Republican Party’s new slogan: ‘Winter Is Coming.'” – Conan O’Brien
“The Trump campaign recently announced that Donald Trump will be delaying his major address on immigration that was originally scheduled to take place on Thursday. So if you want to know where Trump stands on immigration, you’ll just have to wait until a year ago.” – Seth Meyers
“Donald Trump is accusing Hillary Clinton of being too ill, too frail to be commander in chief. Rudy Giuliani made a suggestion to go online and look up ‘Hillary Clinton illness’ – if it’s on the internet, you know it must be true.” – Stephen Colbert
“Melania Trump is planning to sue a British newspaper for defamation. Apparently, the paper called her ‘happily married’.” – Conan O’Brien
“Apparently Ryan Lochte lost all four of his endorsement deals yesterday following his Rio robbery scandal. In fact he’s so desperate for money, he’s actually considering robbing a gas station.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Four sponsors have now dropped Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte. On the bright side, he just signed a huge deal with Bob’s Urinal Cakes.” – Conan O’Brien
“Ryan Lochte lost all his business deals in just one day. Even Trump was like, ‘It took me months to do that!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“In a new election bombshell, the State Department has been ordered by a federal judge to produce nearly 15,000 of Hillary Clinton’s unreleased emails. I don’t want to say Hillary is worried about this story blowing up, but today she asked Ryan Lochte to make up another robbery.” – James Corden
“Journalists have tried contacting Hillary about this damaging email development. Unfortunately, they keep getting auto-replies that say ‘Sorry, I am out of the Oval Office until January.'” – James Corden
“In other Clinton news, her campaign manager, Robby Mook, said in an interview on CNN that they are having a hard time finding someone as ‘hateful’ and ‘divisive’ as Trump to go up against Hillary in her practice debates. It seems like it’d be easy to prep for a Trump debate — just get a parrot and train it to say three things: ’email’, ‘wall’, and ‘huge’.” – James Corden
