[Jokes from Aug. 22, 2016]
“There are life-sized nude statues of Donald Trump. They showed up in cities across the country. You’d be walking in the park, and you see this statue [shows images]. Forget building the wall, Trump should just put a bunch of those things at the border.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The New York City Parks Department actually released a statement on the naked Trump statue after they took it down. This is completely real — they said, ‘New York City Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“After being criticized on the MSNBC’s ‘Morning Joe’ program, Donald Trump took to Twitter to attack hosts Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski, alleging that they are having an affair. Trump tweeted, ‘Someday when things calm down I will tell the real story of Joe and his very insecure girlfriend Mika. Two clowns.’ Trump is reporting celebrity gossip. Like he is like half running to be ‘Prez’ and half running to be Perez Hilton.” – James Corden
“Also he says ‘when things calm down’. You’re running for president; assuming you win, things are never going to calm down. Trump thinks it’s going to be all right, he’s like, ‘Now that I have taken Iran, the debt crisis and ISIS, I can really blow this Joe Scarborough thing wide open. ‘” – James Corden
“Donald Trump’s campaign chairman Paul Manafort was forced to resign on Friday following news that he had pro-Russian ties. Which really upset Trump, because he insists having all his ties made in China.” – Jimmy Fallon
“This weekend, Donald Trump tried to win over black voters by asking them, ‘What the hell do you have to lose?’ Coincidentally, that’s also the way he proposed to all three of his wives.” – Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump has been saying that Hillary Clinton looks unwell. Trump then admitted he thinks any woman over 35 looks like she’s dying.” – Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump’s new campaign manager Kellyanne Conway yesterday told interviewers that she does not believe Trump hurls personal insults. She said, ‘Trump, you tell them, stupid.'” – Seth Meyers
“President Obama and the first family returned Sunday from their summer vacation in Martha’s Vineyard only to find the locks had been changed.” – Seth Meyers
“The Olympics wrapped up over the weekend with the United States coming out on top in all medal counts. The U.S. brought home 46 gold medals, 37 silver, and four idiots.” – Seth Meyers
“And the majority of those American medals were won by female athletes. So, boys, next time somebody on the playground says you throw like a girl, say ‘Thank you’.” – Stephen Colbert
“Congratulations to Team USA for winning over 100 medals! The most of any country, and my condolences to everyone who is behind them at airport security.” – Jimmy Fallon
“America just dominated the 2016 Olympics! That’s right, we killed it. We got 121 medals! And I’m not surprised. I watched the Games here in the States — can’t remember the channel — and from what I saw, apparently only Americans competed.” – Stephen Colbert
“Americans, and Usain Bolt. Of course, he’s an honorary American, because Jamaica is basically tropical Colorado.” – Stephen Colbert
“The Olympics closing ceremony was held in Rio last night. There was an emotional moment at the end when they extinguished the Olympic torch by having Ryan Lochte urinate on it.” – Conan O’Brien
“That’s right. Speedo has revoked their sponsorship of swimmer Ryan Lochte, and according to him, they did it at gunpoint.” – Seth Meyers
