[Jokes from Aug. 4, 2016]
“I want to wish a happy birthday to President Obama, who turned 55 today. Big celebration at the White House. The White House staff sang to him. Then the president blew out the candles on his vegan, whole-grain, carrot prune loaf.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Happy birthday to President Obama who turned 55 today! He made a wish and blew out the candles, but then when he opened his eyes, he was still president.” – Seth Meyers
“Donald Trump also offered birthday wishes on Twitter this week. He wrote, ‘President Obama will go down as perhaps the worst president in the history of the United States.’ It’s sweet, though, because he said ‘perhaps’, and he wouldn’t do that on any other day.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“You know if Trump becomes president, he’s definitely going to make his birthday a national holiday, right? ‘Sorry, Lincoln, you’re a loser and you are out.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“It looks like all the controversies are taking their toll, with reports that Trump’s campaign staff feel like they are wasting their time and that Trump’s staff is suicidal. They’d jump off the building, but they’re afraid they’d see the word ‘Trump’ on the way down.” – Stephen Colbert
“Donald Trump yesterday met with RNC officials who reportedly grew so angry with Trump during the meeting that they yelled at him, ‘Do you realize how badly you’re screwing this up?’ Said Trump, ‘The best? I’m screwing it up the best, right?'” – Seth Meyers
“Trump and his party raised $82 million last month, much of it from small donations, with supporters pitching in $10 to $25 apiece. And they can feel good knowing that every dollar will help Donald Trump reach his ultimate goal — attack ads against Paul Ryan.” – Stephen Colbert
“A CNN reporter spoke to one of Trump’s donors, who said, ‘Unfortunately, I set up a recurring political contribution on Donald Trump’s website, and there’s no place on the website to stop the recurring payment.’ Oops! Supporting Trump is like joining a gym, only it’s democracy that isn’t working out.” – Stephen Colbert
“A Fox News national poll found that people prefer Hillary Clinton to Donald Trump by 10 points. While an MSNBC poll found that Hillary Clinton has already been president for two years.” – Seth Meyers
“A new survey finds that Hillary Clinton has more support in the marijuana industry than Donald Trump. Or in other words, Hillary Clinton will definitely win the vote of people who won’t remember to vote.” – Jimmy Fallon
“I saw that Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega has picked his wife to run as his vice presidential candidate. Then Bill and Hillary looked at each other for a second and went, ‘Nah, nah.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“With the basketball players not being in the Olympic village, it means they’re going to miss out on all the sex. Because I don’t know if you’ve heard this but the Olympic committee announced they’ll be handing out 350,000 condoms and 175,000 packets of lube. Or as Brazilians call that, ‘A weekend’.” – James Corden
“But in the athletes’ defense, the accommodations in Rio are so bad, the cleanest place to sleep is on top of another person.” – James Corden
“The Olympic torch arrived in Rio today in preparation for Friday’s opening ceremony. And the cool thing about Rio is, if the torch runs out of fuel you can just dip it in the ocean and it’ll reignite.” – Seth Meyers
