[Jokes from Aug 3, 2016]
“In the last 24 hours, Donald Trump has refused to endorse Republican leaders up for re-election, accused John McCain of failing veterans, suggested Americans pull their 401(k)s out of the stock market, threw out a crying baby at a rally, fought with the father of a dead soldier, and suggested President Obama was responsible for the death of troops during George W Bush’s time in office. Said voters, ‘Yeah, but I’m not sure I trust Hillary Clinton.'” – Seth Meyers
“This week Trump attacked a Gold Star family, seemed happy about getting a Purple Heart as a gift — ‘cuz it was so much easier than EARNING one — and appeared to feud with a crying baby at a campaign rally. Things have gotten so bad that Trump’s allies are plotting an intervention. An intervention! ‘They love you Donald, and the first step to recovery is admitting that YOU’RE the problem.'” – Stephen Colbert
“Donald Trump is even picking fights with fellow Republicans. He refused to endorse Arizona Sen. John McCain, refused to endorse Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, even though both endorsed him. It’s like ‘The Real Housewives of Orange-Face County.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“According to multiple reports, Donald Trump’s campaign staff is becoming extremely frustrated by his behavior and his unwillingness to stay on message during the campaign. I don’t blame them — who could have ever guessed he would do something like this? He’s usually so low-key.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The head of the Republican National Committee, Reince Priebus, is said to be absolutely furious. They say he has not been this angry since he found out his name was Reince Priebus.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I’m guessing this is just wishful thinking, but senior GOP officials are exploring options if Trump drops out. In fact, top Republicans have been seen standing outside Mitt Romney’s house holding boom boxes.” – Stephen Colbert
“Top Republican fundraiser and Hewlett-Packard executive Meg Whitman released a statement saying that she will break with her party and support Hillary Clinton. She wanted to release the statement three days ago, but her printer kept jamming.” – Seth Meyers
“Hillary Clinton supporters had a fundraiser tonight at a cyber security convention in Las Vegas; all the proceeds will go toward teaching Hillary how to use her email account.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Remember a few months ago when future former President Barack Obama got Iran to release four American prisoners? Well, it turns out he forgot to tell us about a small shipping and handling fee. Because as the prisoners were freed, $400 million was flown to Iran on a plane loaded with cash. Don’t you hate it when you’re on an airplane and you get stuck sitting next to $400 million? You don’t know who gets the armrest.” – Stephen Colbert
