[Jokes from Aug 2, 2016]
“Donald Trump had yet another awkward moment today. Apparently there was a crying baby at one of his rallies, and Trump actually kicked it out, saying, ‘Get the baby out of here.’ It backfired when the Secret Service tried to remove Trump.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Eric Trump appeared on CBS ‘This Morning’ today and defended his father’s ongoing feud with the family of a veteran, saying, ‘What I think this country needs is a fighter.’ And to Donald Trump’s credit, he did bravely fight off all five of the Army’s attempts to draft him.” – Seth Meyers
“It is being reported that two senior aides were recently fired from the Donald Trump campaign. ‘Oh no, which two?!’ yelled Eric and Donald Jr.” – Seth Meyers
“Trump himself seems to be aware of the shifts in public opinion which is why it seems like he’s already building an excuse for a loss by saying the November election will probably be rigged. Former Democratic candidate Al Gore weighed in, saying, ‘Yeah, we wouldn’t want that to happen!'” – James Corden
“If Donald Trump was a teenager he definitely would be the kid who turns the Nintendo off the second he starts losing at Mario Kart.” – James Corden
“Yesterday Donald Trump said of The New York Times, ‘They don’t know how to write good.’ When told that it should be ‘well,’ Trump said, ‘Oh, sorry — WELL, they don’t know how to write good.'” – Seth Meyers
“Trump tweeted a photograph last night showing him feasting on Kentucky Fried Chicken with a knife and fork. And a spoon, even. What’s more relatable than a man in a suit eating fried chicken with utensils on board his private jumbo jet?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Today Donald Trump came up with a new nickname for Hillary Clinton, ‘The Devil’. I like how he says ‘it’s true’, as if he traveled to Hell and confirmed it himself.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Calling your opponent the devil, that’s going to be tough to reel back in if he loses and has to make a concession speech. ‘Today I called the devil and congratulated her on her victory. I’m disappointed but we now unite behind our president the devil.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama piled on this morning, saying in a press conference he feels Trump is unfit to be president. America’s first black president is begging you not to elect America’s first orange one.” – James Corden
“Hillary Clinton said this weekend that she’s going to be at all the presidential debates, despite Trump protesting the schedule. Hillary said that even if Trump doesn’t show, she’s changed her positions enough that she can just debate herself.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Vice President Joe Biden yesterday performed a same-sex wedding for a pair of longtime White House staffers. Said the staffers, ‘But we’re just friends!'” – Seth Meyers
“When asked about possibly running for future office despite his age, Vice President Joe Biden this weekend told interviewers that if he didn’t know how old he really was, he’d guess he’s 44. And if he didn’t know what time it was, he’d guess it’s Miller Time.” – Seth Meyers
“Doctors are telling the Rio athletes competing in water sports not to put their heads under water to avoid getting sick. So remember, if you’re swimming at the Olympics, swim above the water.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Athletes asked how they were supposed to swim with their heads in the air, and doctors were like, ‘Oh, no, don’t — you don’t breathe in the air. That’s even worse.'” – Jimmy Fallon
