Political Irony

[Jokes from Aug 1, 2016]

“The New York Post yesterday published several nude photos of Melania Trump that were taken during her modeling days. Trump’s communications adviser said the photos are a ‘celebration of the human body as art’. To me they look more like a celebration of the human body as a paycheck, but OK — art.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In any other election, nude photos of the candidate’s wife would be far and away the biggest story of the campaign. It would be crazy. For Donald Trump this isn’t even a blip. By Wednesday we’ll never hear about this again.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“This isn’t the first time they’ve done something like this. I remember many, many, many years back when they pulled the same move with Eleanor Roosevelt. Bernie Sanders has a copy of that hidden under his mattress.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Many veterans’ families are speaking out against Donald Trump after he began attacking the parents of a Muslim-American soldier, calling Trump repugnant. Said Trump, ‘I’m the most repugnant. No one is more repugnant than me. Real quick, what does repugnant mean?'” – Seth Meyers

“Last Thursday at the Democratic convention, the parents of a fallen U.S. soldier criticized Donald Trump, and over the weekend, he repeatedly lashed out at them — which got me thinking, is there anyone Donald Trump won’t attack if they say bad things about him?” – Stephen Colbert

“After Army father Khizr Khan’s convention speech in which he pulled out a pocket-sized copy of the Constitution, sales on Amazon have skyrocketed, making it the second most purchased book. The first is ‘How to Move to Canada’.” – Seth Meyers

“A pocket Constitution is perfect for Trump, because it will look regular sized in his tiny hands.” – Seth Meyers

“A lot of people are talking about Donald Trump and Russia now. And not just because of how much he resembles Russian dressing.” – Stephen Colbert

“Trump was asked about his cozy relationship with Vladimir Putin and claimed unbelievably that he couldn’t even remember if he’d met Putin or not. Yeah, no offense, but I think I want a president who would remember meeting Vladimir Putin. How many shark-eyed shirtless equestrians do you know?” – Seth Meyers

“This entire campaign, Trump’s made us forget about his crazy statements by saying something even crazier. It’s the like the old woman who swallowed a fly, only Trump would never be seen with an older woman.” – Stephen Colbert

“Mike Pence is finding out that being Trump’s VP is like being a fireman who has an arsonist as a roommate.” – Seth Meyers

“There are now less than 100 days left until the presidential election. Or you could say, there are now less than 100 days left … period.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I saw that Apple CEO Tim Cook will hold a fundraiser later this month for Hillary Clinton. He had a long list of terms and conditions for the event, but Hillary just said ‘Agree!’ without really reading them.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The summer Olympics start this Friday, and I read that the organizing committee will stay aboard a docked cruise ship called ‘The Getaway’, which will act as a floating hotel. ‘Cuz nothing makes you feel safer about the Olympics than the organizers staying in a getaway boat. ‘You kids have fun! We’ll just be over here – with the engines running in case things go south.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The 2016 Rio games start Friday, and there are some concerns. Athletes swimming in the heavily polluted Guanabara Bay have been warned by health experts to keep their mouths closed in the toxic stew. OK? Mouths closed. Or heads out of the water. I can’t wait to see who takes home the gold in the Olympic doggie paddle.” – Stephen Colbert

“It’s alleged that almost 100 athletes are suspected of using banned substances in the 2008 and 2012 Olympics. And they suspect many athletes this year, too, because anyone who wants to go to the Rio Olympics has to be on drugs.” – James Corden

“Ninety-eight athletes in the last two Olympics are suspected of doping, or as it’s technically called, ‘wanting it more’.” – James Corden

“At this point, they should just make peeing in a cup into an Olympic sport. Just let everyone do drugs. Everyone doing drugs is a fair playing field. What’s more exciting than a nine-second 100-meter dash? A three-second 100-meter dash.” – James Corden