[Jokes from July 13, 2016]
“For his running mate, Donald Trump says he’s looking for someone with experience in areas he doesn’t have. So right now Trump is looking for someone who can run a profitable casino.” – Conan O’Brien
“It’s being reported that Donald Trump’s list of running mates is now down to just two people! And they are Chris Christie.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Republican Party is coming out strongly against online pornography. Man, they really do not want to win this election.” – Conan O’Brien
“In a recent interview, Jeb Bush compared Donald Trump to the Kardashians, saying, quote, ‘The Kardashians wouldn’t exist if we didn’t enjoy watching them.’ When asked who his favorite Kardashian is, Jeb said, ‘Rob – ‘cuz he’s the brother nobody wants to talk about.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“When asked about Bernie Sanders’ endorsement of Hillary Clinton, Clinton’s campaign manager told reports that the two actually had a fairly easy time in determining Sanders’ role in the campaign. Bernie will be in charge of translating her speeches for the hearing impaired.” – Seth Meyers
“Elizabeth Warren has been invited to give an address on the first night of the Democratic Convention. Hillary Clinton will give the address on the final night — and Bernie Sanders will be given the wrong address so that he misses the convention entirely.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Pundits are saying that new British prime minister, Theresa May, is following in the footsteps of Margaret Thatcher, known as ‘The Iron Lady,’ with some in the media calling May ‘dull as porridge,’ ‘extremely dependable,’ and ‘not humorous.’ Said Hillary Clinton, ‘Ugh, I would kill for reviews that good.'” – Seth Meyers
“The Pokémon craze just seems to be getting bigger. In fact, I read that even members of Congress have been trying to catch Pokémon in the U.S. Capitol. Meanwhile, Pokémon were like, ‘Oh my God — I just caught a congressman at WORK!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“A restaurant in China forces customers to solve complex math problems before they can order their meal. The restaurant has no plans to expand to the United States.” – Conan O’Brien
