[Jokes from June 29, 2016]
“I read that a record number of Americans are expected to travel this 4th of July. And if Trump wins the presidency, twice as many Americans are expected to travel this 4th of November.” – Conan O’Brien
“Trump is making a real effort to appear more presidential these days. Yesterday, he went to a Pennsylvania recycling plant where he unveiled part of his economic platform. And instead of wearing his trademark baseball cap, he stood in front of a giant pile of garbage.” – Stephen Colbert
“Yesterday, Donald Trump gave a speech at an industrial plant while standing in front of a giant wall of trash. Before the speech, Trump welcomed his new campaign manager, Mike Metaphor.” – Conan O’Brien
“Here’s the plan: Trump is going to revive the economy by turning in empties for the refund.” –Stephen Colbert
“In a speech yesterday, Donald Trump spoke in favor of waterboarding. Trump said, ‘It’s how I got two of my three wives to say yes.'” – Conan O’Brien
“A new Quinnipiac University poll has Trump and Clinton almost tied. This is the first tie for Donald Trump that wasn’t manufactured in China.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Hillary Clinton unveiled her technology plan which would offer broadband internet access to all Americans. Then she quickly added, ‘Except for my husband’.” – Conan O’Brien
“It’s hard to believe that there are only seven months left in the Obama presidency. You never know how much you’re going to miss a guy until you see the options.” – Stephen Colbert
“A lot of people are wondering what Barack Obama will do after he’s president. I read today that he is thinking about becoming a venture capitalist in Silicon Valley. So, evidently, Obama is going to be going for the cash. Good for him, but he may have to make a slight adjustment to his poster from ‘Change’ to ‘Ka-ching!'” – Stephen Colbert
“A new ballot measure will allow Californians to vote in November on whether to legalize recreational marijuana. Californians will have the option of voting either ‘Yes’ or ‘Hell yes’.” – Conan O’Brien
“In November, California voters will vote on a measure to legalize marijuana for recreational use. Supporters of the amendment turned in the required amount of signatures on time to get on the ballot. Whether the measure passes or not, turning something in on time is a huge victory for marijuana enthusiasts.” – Jimmy Kimmel
