[Jokes from June 21, 2016]
“A new Election Commission report just came out saying that the Trump campaign isn’t doing so well financially, and is practically broke. It’s not good — in fact today, Trump stole a bunch of towels from his own hotel.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Last night, the Federal Election Commission announced how much cash each campaign has on hand. And Hillary Clinton is burying Donald Trump $42 million to $1.3 million. I always knew those huge skyscrapers were overcompensating for something in his pants. I just never imagined it was his wallet.” – Stephen Colbert
“The report revealed that Donald Trump’s campaign started this month with only $1.3 million, which is almost $8 million less than Bernie Sanders’ campaign. – Jimmy Fallon
Even Bernie was like, ‘How does it feel to be poor, you LOSER!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“$1.3 million isn’t even enough to afford a one-bedroom apartment in Trump’s own building. Not that he would want it. I hear the landlord is a jerk.” – Stephen Colbert
“Hundreds of demonstrators showed up in Times Square today to protest Donald Trump’s meeting with evangelical leaders at a nearby hotel. That’s how much those protesters hate Donald Trump: They’re willing to go to Times Square.” – Seth Meyers
“Today members of the conservative Christian clergy met with Donald Trump. They came out of the meeting proclaiming ‘THERE IS NO GOD!'” – Conan O’Brien
“At a meeting with nearly 1,000 evangelical leaders today, Donald Trump told the attendees that Hillary Clinton is not worthy of their prayers. Although I’m pretty sure Hillary’s prayers were already answered when Trump won the GOP nomination.” – Seth Meyers
“The election is still going to be Hillary Clinton versus Donald Trump. It is the very first time in American history that both political parties have the same slogan, ‘2016, look, it is what it is. What are you gonna do.'” – Stephen Colbert
“A recent report found that 52 percent of voters think Hillary Clinton is more intelligent than Donald Trump. While the rest disagreed with that statement ‘bigly’.” – Seth Meyers
“Hillary Clinton gave a speech in Columbus, Ohio, where she called Trump an uncaring businessman. Which I guess is supposed to be an insult, except those are the exact words he has printed on his business card.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Clinton’s senior adviser said if we were to put Trump behind the wheel of the American economy, he would drive us off a cliff. That’s ridiculous. He’s going to drive us into a wall, a nice beautiful wall paid for by Mexico.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Hillary Clinton’s shortlist for running mate includes Sen. Elizabeth Warren, Sen. Tim Kaine, and HUD Secretary Julian Castro. Meanwhile, Donald Trump’s shortlist includes ‘anyone from the cast of Entourage’.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama will be attending the Global Entrepreneurship Summit in California. The only place to see more people describing themselves as ‘entrepreneurs’ is on ‘The Bachelorette.'” – Jimmy Fallon
