[Jokes from June 8, 2016]
“It’s official now, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump have both clinched the nomination for their respective parties. Which means we could be looking at our first female president or our last president.” – Seth Meyers
“In the general election, Donald Trump plans on painting Hillary Clinton as money-grubbing and unethical. Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton plans on painting Donald Trump as Donald Trump.” – Conan O’Brien
“In a prepared speech last night, Donald Trump told supporters he is going to take care of our African-American people. Though, I don’t think he should have added, ‘Once and for all.'” – Seth Meyers
“In an interview, Donald Trump said he won’t have to ask God for ‘much forgiveness’. Unless, of course, God turns out to be a Mexican woman who’s a Muslim.” – Conan O’Brien
“Last night was also a big one for Donald Trump, who destroyed his competition in every state where he had no competition.” – Stephen Colbert
“And last night he shocked the world when he gave his victory speech using a teleprompter. A teleprompter. This from a guy who got this far by shouting whatever comes into his mind. Trump using a teleprompter is like the Flash calling an Uber, Aquaman taking a ferry, or Bernie Sanders using a comb.” – Stephen Colbert
“Hillary Clinton became the first female candidate of a major party. It was an incredible moment 240 years in the making, because I believe that’s when the election began.” – Stephen Colbert
“Even though Hillary has more votes and delegates and superdelegates and states, Bernie Sanders still isn’t giving up. He says he will continue to fight. He’s like one of those old Japanese guys on an island who thinks the war is still going on.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Hillary Clinton told supporters last night that her status as the Democratic nominee is thanks to the generations who struggled and sacrificed before her. ‘You’re welcome’, said Bernie Sanders.” – Seth Meyers
“You know who could use ‘Ghostbusters’ right now? Hillary Clinton. She’s still being haunted by a spooky ghost named Bernie.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Despite Hillary Clinton clinching the Democratic nomination, Bernie Sanders vowed to stay in the race and told supporters in Los Angeles that the struggle continues. The struggle to understand math?” – Seth Meyers
“Bernie Sanders is vowing to stay in the race until the Democratic convention. He says he owes it all to his supporters, who need something to do until Burning Man.” – Conan O’Brien
“It’s being reported that Bernie Sanders is planning on cutting half of his campaign staff. Bernie said, ‘I’m saving money by only keeping the most delusional.'” – Conan O’Brien
