[Jokes from June 7, 2016]
“Today, presidential primaries are being held in California, Montana, New Jersey, New Mexico, North Dakota, and South Dakota. Or, as it’s being reported in the media, California.” – Conan O’Brien
“It’s being reported that Hillary Clinton now has enough delegates to secure the Democratic nomination. Hillary was so excited when she found out she asked her staff to schedule 15 seconds of smiling.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Hillary told her assistant to break out the champagne. And he said, ‘Actually you drank it all when Trump secured his nomination. Do you remember that?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Hillary Clinton today responded to her status as the presumptive nominee, calling it a ‘historic, unprecedented moment’. Said Hillary, ‘Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would take this long.'” – Seth Meyers
“The Clinton folks aren’t happy about the media jumping the gun on her clinching it. She wanted to announce that at her victory rally tonight, so when she does announce, everyone please act like you didn’t see this coming.” – Stephen Colbert
“Hillary had to reach the threshold of 2,383 delegates to become the presumptive nominee. Hillary hasn’t been this excited about a threshold since the one she carried Bill over on their wedding night.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi said it would be great if Hillary Clinton picked a female running mate. She said it during a speech entitled ‘Hint Hint’.” – Conan O’Brien
“It looks like the general election will come down to Hillary Clinton versus Donald Trump. Which is fitting, really, since she’ll be the first female nominee of her party, and he’ll be his party’s last nominee.” – Stephen Colbert
“Paul Ryan said what Trump is saying about a judge of Mexican heritage is the ‘textbook definition’ of a racist comment. Even worse, that textbook is made by Trump University.” – Jimmy Fallon
“House Speaker Paul Ryan described Donald Trump’s remarks about a Hispanic judge as a ‘textbook definition’ of racism. When they heard this, Trump supporters said, ‘You lost us at textbook.'” – Conan O’Brien
“It is being reported that Ivanka Trump is writing a book titled ‘Women Who Work: Rewriting the Rules of Success.’ Which is better than the original title, ‘Help! My Dad’s a Nectarine!'” – Seth Meyers
“President Obama yesterday called the Denver Broncos one of the greatest defenses of all time. ‘Wow, thanks!’ said the Army.” – Seth Meyers
