[Jokes from May 26-27, 2016]
“Hillary Clinton has said she absolutely will not be debating Bernie Sanders anymore. So today, Trump announced that he will debate Bernie Sanders. Two angry New Yorkers shouting at each other — it’ll be like the whole country is trapped in a subway car!” – Stephen Colbert
“After Hillary Clinton declined to debate Bernie Sanders this month, there’s now talk that Bernie might debate Donald Trump. No word on what the debate will be on, but I’m guessing mute.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Immediately after Trump offered to debate him, Bernie responded by tweeting, ‘Game on.’ Sounds like he’s accepting, but he is an old guy, so he might have just been trying to tell the computer to open solitaire. Not entirely sure.” – Stephen Colbert
“Now, Trump did put one condition on the debate: raise $10-$15 million for women’s health issues. I’m guessing, ‘The Donald Trump Foundation for Women Who Aren’t Anywhere Near a 10, They’re Like a 5 Tops.'” – Stephen Colbert
“Donald Trump issued a statement saying he will not debate Bernie Sanders. For a while, it was looking like they were going to go ahead with it. They even started negotiating the rules. The one thing they both agreed on: no ceiling fans.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump, today, officially clinched the Republican nomination, which means he’s one step closer to moving into the smallest house he’s ever lived in.” – Seth Meyers
“Donald Trump’s campaign accidentally sent a reporter an email with details about how Trump was going to attack Hillary Clinton. Or as Trump put it, ‘Wow, another Hillary email scandal. Sad.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“A new survey asked Americans which candidate they’d want to sit next to on a plane and 37 percent chose Donald Trump. Meanwhile, the other 63 percent missed their flight waiting in the TSA line.” – Jimmy Fallon
“When Trump heard that, he was like, ‘What does ‘sit next to someone on a plane’ mean? Did their private jet break, or something?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Bernie Sanders needs a big win in the California primary. Right now he and Hillary Clinton are in a dead heat. Not so great. Older people sometimes die in the heat.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama today spoke at the G7 summit in Japan. Bernie Sanders was like, ‘G7?! Bingo!'” – Seth Meyers
“This is a crazy election. But, of course, you know that, unless you have been in a coma. And if you were in a coma, you might want to slip back in for the next six months.” – Stephen Colbert
“It’s being reported the Obama family is planning to move into a nine-bedroom mansion in Washington, D.C., after the president leaves office. I guess he wants to be close enough to drive by the White House every morning and shout, ‘Sucks, doesn’t it?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Secret Service had to sweep our building for the second day today. I’ve had so many pat-downs this week, one of the Secret Service guys told me to get checked because I had a lump.” – Jimmy Kimmel
