[Jokes from May 12-13, 2016]
“The big Trump news today is this audio tape that resurfaced from 1991, where Donald Trump apparently posed as his own publicist during a phone call with People Magazine. People are saying it’s definitely him, but he’s saying it’s not. Hillary Clinton was like, ‘Isn’t it annoying when people dig stuff up from the 90’s and use it against you?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump is now saying that his proposed ban on Muslims was ‘just a suggestion.’ Then he admitted his presidential campaign is ‘just a bar bet.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump yesterday began walking back his proposed ban on Muslim immigration and called the plan a suggestion rather than a firm policy idea. In much the same way he doesn’t have hair so much as the suggestion of hair.” – Seth Meyers
“I hate to break it to Donald Trump, but there is already a Broadway show called ‘Hairspray’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Here in California, a white supremacist has resigned from being a Donald Trump delegate. When asked why, the white supremacist said, ‘Because that guy’s crazy.'” – Conan O’Brien
“We have Drake on the show tonight — a black, Jewish, immigrant rapper from Canada. Or as Donald Trump would say, ‘I’m speechless. I need to sit down, I’m getting lightheaded. I’m getting lightheaded. I’m seeing my spirit animal.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump is the presumptive GOP nominee, but there are a few people he still has to win over. For instance, everyone in the GOP.” – Stephen Colbert
“Donald Trump is finally sitting down with his nemesis, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, to discuss unifying the Republican Party after they have been trash-talking each other for months. Ryan is in a difficult spot. On the one hand, Trump has made a lot of offensive statements. On the other hand, Trump is his party’s only chance at winning — and because it’s Trump, both of those hands are very, very tiny.” – James Corden
“Paul Ryan right now is like a girl at a bar at the end of the night where all the hot guys have left. So she’s trying to convince herself that it would be worth taking home the guy with the orange skin and weird hair.” – James Corden
“But Ryan is not the only one who seems to be changing his mind about Trump. Former presidential candidate John McCain stated this week that he thinks Donald Trump could be a ‘capable leader’. John McCain spent several years in a Vietnam prison, and now saying ‘Donald Trump is capable’ sounds like the hardest thing he’s ever had to do.” – James Corden
“I’m sorry, but saying Donald Trump could be a capable leader is not very reassuring. If you are about to have an operation and they tell you that your doctor could be a capable surgeon, you would be like, ‘You know what? It was a minor heart attack. I’m good. Don’t worry.'” – James Corden
“Of course, when it comes to Donald Trump, there are so many other things that are not happening. For instance, he hasn’t picked a running mate, but rumors say he’s considering Newt Gingrich. Yes, between them, they’ve had six wives.” – Stephen Colbert
“Apparently, Trump is trying to win the women’s vote by marrying them all. If they get elected both the first and second lady will be the third lady.” – Stephen Colbert
“Donald Trump told the Associated Press yesterday that he had whittled down his list of possible running mates to ‘five or six people.’ Five or six people is also how Trump describes his kids.” – Seth Meyers
“An artist is hoping to protest the Republican National Convention in Cleveland by having 100 women pose nude outside the event. Or as Republican men put it, ‘Hey. No. Stop. Please don’t have all those nude women. This is the worst day ever.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“During the Republican convention in Cleveland, an artist is going to photograph 100 nude women to make a statement. The statement is, ‘This is the only way to get people to Cleveland.'” – Conan O’Brien
“The FBI just announced yesterday that fewer and fewer Americans are going off to join ISIS. Or as Fox News reported it, ‘Once Again, Jobs Drop Under Obama.'” – Conan O’Brien
