[Jokes from May 5, 2016]
“In honor of Cinco de Mayo, Donald Trump tweeted a picture of himself eating a taco bowl. Then, Trump tried to get Mexico to pay for it.” – Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump observed Cinco de Mayo. He posted this on Facebook, ‘Happy Cinco de Mayo! The best taco bowls are made in Trump Tower Grill. I love Hispanics!’ There you go. All is forgiven. He even built a little wall around the Mexican salad so it doesn’t get on his American desk.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“‘It’s Cinco de mayo!’ said Chris Christie as he finished his fifth jar of mayonnaise.” – Seth Meyers
“Today is the Mexican holiday of Cinco de Mayo. Or as it will be known under President Trump, ‘May the Goddamn Fifth.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Trump has graciously said that he’s willing to consider some of his previous Republican rivals [for vice president], as long as they don’t remember any of the things he said about them. So we might be looking at the ticket of ‘Trump/Liar 16’, ‘Trump/Low Energy 16’, ‘Trump/A Face Like That 16’, and ‘Trump/Lil’ Sweaty Guy 16′. All winning tickets.” – Stephen Colbert
“Donald Trump said his vice presidential pick might be one of his presidential rivals. When asked which one, Trump said, ‘I haven’t decided yet if it’s the liar, the loser, or the fat pig.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump has already started outlining plans for what he hopes to accomplish during his first 100 days in office. Once he’s done outlining, he’s going to start coloring it in. ‘What’s the best color for walls?'” – Seth Meyers
“Donald Trump says that by the 100th day of his presidency the wall on the border of Mexico will be designed, the immigration ban on Muslims will be in place, the four horsemen will be scheduled to appear. He’ll get to work chiseling Roosevelt’s face on Mount Rushmore and replacing it with his own.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“If Bernie Sanders is elected, he plans on spending the first 100 days figuring out the Lincoln Bedroom DVR.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Despite falling behind in delegates, Bernie Sanders insists he still has nine states left to go. Unfortunately, five of those states are Denial, Anger, Grief, Bargaining, and Acceptance.” –Conan O’Brien
“Bernie’s reportedly running out of money. They’re said to be low on cash. His fundraising fell in April partly due to the fact that most of his donors were at Coachella for most of April.” – Jimmy Kimmel
We’re still all reeling from Tuesday’s primary in Indiana. Bernie Sanders scored a huge upset victory that raised his campaign from the grave. Which explains why he has the same hair as an extra on ‘The Walking Dead.'” – Stephen Colbert
“Bernie Sanders said yesterday that he intends to do everything that he can to prevent a Donald Trump presidency. Though I don’t know what he can try that Donald Trump hasn’t tried already.” – Seth Meyers
“I saw that former presidents George W. Bush and George H.W. Bush announced that they will not endorse anyone in the 2016 presidential race. Even crazier, they said that before Jeb dropped out.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama and the first lady were seen dancing with R2D2 and Storm Troopers yesterday in honor of Star Wars day. But C-3PO wasn’t there — that’s just how the president dances.” – Seth Meyers
