[Jokes from April 28-29, 2016]
“The White House Correspondents’ Dinner is tomorrow, and Bernie Sanders will be attending. You could tell Bernie Sanders was a guest at the dinner when they had to schedule it at 3 p.m. Bernie was like, ‘I’m going to start a revolution — at the dessert table!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Vice president Joe Biden made a surprise trip to Iraq this morning, and no one was more surprised than him. ‘Last time I use Expedia!'” – Seth Meyers
“During Donald Trump’s foreign policy speech yesterday, he said when it comes to military action, we have to be unpredictable. Scary news for Iran, but terrifying news for Canada.” – Seth Meyers
“During his foreign policy speech yesterday, Donald Trump mispronounced Tanzania and called it ‘Tanzainia’. Then Melania was like, ‘That’s nothing. My name is actually Kathryn.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump yesterday gave his first foreign policy speech and accused President Obama of handling Iran with tender lovin’ care. Eric and Donald Jr. were like, ‘Sometimes that works, Dad.'” – Seth Meyers
“Last night Donald Trump tweeted from Indiana that he was staying at a Holiday Inn Express, and said it was ‘not bad’. Which, I believe, is just one of their ads: ‘Holiday inn Express: Not bad.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Exit polls from Tuesday’s primary showed Donald Trump won about 50 percent of Republican voters with college degrees. Well, technically they have college degrees. Their diploma was a steak.” – Seth Meyers
“Yesterday Ted Cruz, the man mathematically eliminated from becoming president, picked his vice president. Cruz chose Carly Fiorina as his running mate: The first woman ever to lose the Republican nomination twice in three months.” – James Corden
“Just to be clear, there is no way Ted Cruz could even get the nomination. He’s now like a 6 year old, pretending to be president.” – James Corden
“I’m pretty sure we’re going to see Ted Cruz drive around in a minivan with ‘Air Force One’ spray painted on the sides. He’ll be dressing up all of his daughters’ dolls like advisers going, ‘Yes, that is a good point about healthcare. Thank you, Malibu Barbie!'” – James Corden
“We are basically one month away from Cruz holding his own Republican National Convention at the Hooters in Texas.” – James Corden
