“This election is heading into the home stretch and it seems like the whole world is watching. In fact, I read that sales for Donald Trump piñatas have been soaring recently. Or as Donald Trump put it, ‘Told you I could make the Mexicans pay for something!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Yesterday, Donald Trump said, ‘If I lose, I don’t think you’ll ever see me again.’ So finally, a Trump campaign promise we can all get behind.” – Conan O’Brien
“Apparently four out of Donald Trump’s five airplanes are more than 20 years old, which they say is rare for most billionaires. I guess Trump doesn’t know you’re supposed to change PLANES every few years, and keep your WIFE forever.” – Jimmy Fallon
“In order to block Donald Trump’s path to the Republican nomination, John Kasich is pulling his campaign out of Indiana. Indiana should notice sometime in 2018.” – Conan O’Brien
“A woman who looks exactly like a female Ted Cruz has been asked to star in a porn movie. So finally, a cure for your porn addiction.” – Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump did an impression of Hillary Clinton at a rally this weekend accusing Clinton of needing a teleprompter, speaking in a robotic manner and being boring. And then Hillary did an impression of Donald Trump by crushing a poor person’s dreams.” – Seth Meyers
“On Saturday, Beyoncé released a surprise album called ‘Lemonade’ where she directs some of her anger at her husband, Jay Z. Yeah, an entire album where she yells at her husband. Or in other words — looks like Hillary’s found her running mate!” – Jimmy Fallon
“A restaurant in Pennsylvania has unveiled a pizza inspired by Hillary Clinton. Apparently, the pizza is not that fresh or tasty, but it sticks around your stomach until all the other food has given up.” – Conan O’Brien
“Hillary Clinton said Pennsylvania is where she learned to shoot a gun. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders said Pennsylvania is where he learned to load a musket.” – Conan O’Brien
