“I saw that Bill Clinton was in the Bronx campaigning for Hillary yesterday, and visited the ‘Hebrew Home for the Aging’. While Hillary actually went there to drop off Bernie Sanders.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A new poll has found that Bernie Sanders is the most likable of all the presidential candidates. Which, let’s face it, is kind of like being the best-dressed person at Wal-Mart.” – Seth Meyers
“The cast of ABC’s ‘Scandal’ is set to appear at a fundraiser for Hillary Clinton later this month. Unless she loses in New York, in which case she’d like to speak with the folks at ‘How to Get Away With Murder’.” – Seth Meyers
“It’s come out that President Obama has been allowed to see special advance episodes of the new season of ‘Game of Thrones’. Obama says he watches ‘Game of Thrones’ to remember what it’s like to have reasonably sane people compete for leadership.” – Conan O’Brien
“House Speaker Paul Ryan this afternoon issued a formal statement ruling himself out as a potential replacement candidate if there is a contested Republican convention. And you know things are bad in the Republican Party when people who aren’t even running are dropping out of the race.” – Seth Meyers
“In a recent interview, Ted Cruz’s wife, Heidi, said Donald Trump’s nasty tweet about her looks did not impact her. Heidi Cruz said, ‘Part of my marriage vow to Ted was to give up all human feeling.'” – Conan O’Brien
“According to some analysts, Donald Trump’s support is deeper than it looks. Although others say Trump just took the support he has and combed it over to make it look better.” – Conan O’Brien
“John Kasich gave a 30-minute speech in New York City. Afterwards, the crowd applauded Kasich and then put $8.34 in his hat. “– Conan O’Brien
“Researchers in California found that 74 percent of mothers confessed that they like one child better than another. Then one mother said, ‘Don’t use my name, ‘cuz I don’t want Jeb to find out.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The director of the CIA says that no matter who the next president is, the agency will not use waterboarding ever again. Instead, he’s come up with a new way to torture people: turn off the Wi-Fi when they visit their parents’ house.” – Jimmy Fallon
