“Tomorrow is April Fools’ Day, which means everyone will be waiting for Donald Trump to finally say, ‘Gotcha! I never wanted to be president! I can’t believe you dummies let it go on this long!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“After saying in an interview that there should be punishment for women who undergo illegal abortions, Donald Trump last night started to walk back his comments by claiming he meant to say doctors should be punished. And I have to say, it’s pretty ironic that Trump had to use Plan B.” – Seth Meyers
“Donald Trump met with the Republican National Committee today. I wish I could have been a part of that meeting. Like Dr. Frankenstein meeting with his monster.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Donald Trump was in Washington, D.C., today to meet privately with members of his newly established foreign policy team. They went over key points like, ‘This one’s Europe,’ and ‘No, no, no, THIS one’s Europe.'” – Seth Meyers
“Trump is busy preparing for what might be a losing battle in Wisconsin. The Wisconsin primary is on Tuesday and in the most recent polls, Trump trails Ted Cruz by 10 points. Try saying that 10 times fast.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“If Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are the two nominees, it will be the first time both parties’ nominees are over 65 years old. Which should explain that one debate where they just play checkers in the park. ‘King me!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Trump and Hillary would be the oldest nominees since 1848. Or as Bernie Sanders put it, ‘My first campaign!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Bernie Sanders today held a campaign rally in the South Bronx. Sanders said it was great to be in a neighborhood where he wasn’t the loudest person.” – Seth Meyers
“Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton said Republicans are trying to act like President Obama’s not still president. Also doing that: President Obama. He’s going to Cuba, doing the tango in Argentina. He’s basically checking off his bucket list.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama yesterday commuted the sentences of 61 federal prisoners, most of whom were low-level drug offenders. Then he had lunch with a bunch of them. Obama ate lunch with seven former inmates. Usually former inmates have to be on the team that won the Super Bowl to get invited to the White House for lunch.” – Jimmy Kimmel
