“It’s the second week of spring, but New York City was under a high wind advisory all day, with wind gusts up to 50 mph. Most New Workers went about their daily routines, while Donald Trump went into his panic room.” – Jimmy Fallon
“According to the State Department, virtually every foreign leader who meets with Secretary of State John Kerry has expressed concern about the Republican presidential primary election. There’s no need to be concerned. It’s silly. Once President Trump builds a wall around your country, you’ll never see us again.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Donald Trump’s campaign manager is facing charges for grabbing a female reporter’s arm. Trump scolded his campaign manager and said, ‘On my campaign we only abuse women verbally.'” – Conan O’Brien
“According to a new NBC News poll, Donald Trump now has support from 48 percent of Republican voters. All the men and none of the wives.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Donald Trump in a new interview supported the idea of holding back attacks on the wives and children of rival candidates, before adding, ‘All you have to do is tell that to Ted Cruz because he started it.’ Trump then added, ‘I’m not touching him! I’m not touching him! I’m not touching him!'” – Seth Meyers
“There are rumors that Ted Cruz has had affairs with up to eight different women. Ted Cruz refuses to answer questions about the scandal, but he is accepting high-fives.” – Conan O’Brien
“Conservative pundit Glenn Beck said Friday that Ted Cruz was ‘anointed’ by God to become president. To which God replied, ‘No, no, no, I said he was ‘annoying.'” – Seth Meyers
“John Kasich is in third with 18 percent, but he says he won’t give up. He’s vowed to keep running. He’s going to keep running until one person in America can identify him by face and then he will stop.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Fidel Castro wrote a letter addressing President Obama’s historic trip to Cuba and said that Cuba doesn’t want any presents from the U.S. — which, as any husband will tell you, means they definitely want presents.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The weather here in New York was sunny, but chilly. Or as meteorologists call it, ‘The Hillary Clinton’.” – Jimmy Fallon
