“At a rally over the weekend, Donald Trump was surrounded by Secret Service agents after a man tried to rush the stage. The Secret Service said the man was dangerous and disturbed, but they had to protect him anyway.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Chris Christie interviewed Donald Trump today at a rally in North Carolina. During the interview, Christie asked Trump to talk about what kind of father he’s been, to which Trump replied, ‘A creepy one’.” – Seth Meyers
“The NCAA College Basketball Championship bracket is set. Trump University did not make it this year. Apparently the NCAA has these really strict rules that say the college can’t be a made-up Ponzi scheme.” – James Corden
“Proving once and for all, the best way to keep everyone safe and sound is to build a wall around Donald Trump.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Mitt Romney hit the campaign trail today with Ohio Gov. John Kasich, who’s hoping to beat Donald Trump in his home state. Romney is stumping for Kasich in Ohio and Rubio in Florida with the idea that he will stop Donald Trump. He’s also got Holy Cross and Iona going into the finals in his NCAA bracket.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The latest polls show Gov. John Kasich holds a small lead over Donald Trump in his home state of Ohio. Whereas everything Donald Trump holds looks huge because of his tiny baby hands.” –Seth Meyers
“Romney took the stage with Kasich at an air museum that’s halfway between Akron and Canton. I love the idea of Mitt Romney and John Kasich teaming up. It’s like a buddy cop movie, only they’re both the cop who plays by the rules.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Ted Cruz stopped Trump in Texas. Then the plan is if they get to the convention, they’re going to have Dr. Ben Carson sew all their bodies together to form one enormous super-candidate who just might have enough delegates to win.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“When endorsing Donald Trump for president last week, Dr. Ben Carson said that there are two different Trumps. I don’t know, Ben. That might just be a side effect of the NyQuil.” – Seth Meyers
“President Obama seems like he’s enjoying this whole thing. He spoke at a fundraiser in Dallas where he took a moment to ruminate about Donald Trump-brand wine. I think Obama’s in his ‘I only have 10 months left so to hell with it’ phase. Maybe he’ll host the Oscars next year.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“On Friday, a 112-year-old man was given the Guinness World Record for being the world’s oldest living man. When asked how he plans to celebrate, he said, ‘By defeating Hillary Clinton to be the Democratic nominee.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“North Korea claimed yesterday that they could wipe out Manhattan with one of their hydrogen bombs. Though I find it hard to believe that this guy would willingly destroy that many restaurants.” – Seth Meyers
