“Donald Trump said he’s not happy about being compared to Hitler. He said, ‘I’m thrilled.’ – Jimmy Fallon
“It came out in the news that Donald Trump was once a producer of a Broadway show. It was a revival of ‘Les Misérables’ called ‘The French Are Losers’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Ladies and gentlemen, I know why you’re excited! It’s because today is International Women’s Day. A day when we celebrate all the international women Donald Trump has married.” – James Corden
“Meanwhile, Donald Trump’s nearest competitor, Sen. Ted Cruz, was in Virginia. He must not have Secret Service protection because TMZ got right up close to ask Ted about his latest piece of campaign merchandise: yoga mats. He is going to make a heck of a QVC host when he loses this election.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I’m not sure who would buy a Ted Cruz yoga mat. But they’re a real thing. They’re American made. Unlike Ted himself.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“That’s not all the Cruz campaign has to offer. For the chef in the family you can preorder the official Ted Cruz grill spatula, with the Ted flame burning right there in the center. Same spatula he uses to scoop the gel into his hair.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“All the candidates have merchandise for sale. Even the candidates who’ve dropped out. Jeb Bush has the ‘Guaca Bowle.’ This is a guacamole bowl with Jeb’s logo on it. Now you can do to avocados what Donald Trump did to Jeb Bush’s spirit.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The description says, ‘Jeb and Columba love whipping up guacamole on Sunday Funday. Now you can get into the act with this Guaca Bowle. Jeb’s secret guacamole recipe not included yet.’ His secret recipe for guacamole is an avocado and a spoon.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Marco Rubio is selling an unusual shirt. It says ‘Marco Ru(bae)o.’ For the one Marco Rubio supporter who knows what the word ‘bae’ means. I wonder if they sold any.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“John Kasich’s store, not a single item in his store has his face on it, mostly because nobody remembers what he looked like.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Rand Paul has been gone for quite a while, but his campaign store is still open, which means there’s still time to get a pair of Rand Paul freedom socks.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The Democrats aren’t doing so great in the merchandise department either. Hillary Clinton gets the ‘Mom’s trying too hard to be cool in front of her daughter’s friends’ award for the ‘Yaaas Hillary’ shirt.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Finally, this is not something that Bernie Sanders is celebrating on his official page, but I think he should. This is for sale, the Bernie Sanders ceramic pipe — ‘for tobacco only’. Those Bernie Sanders supporters love their tobacco. It’s the perfect way to say ‘I support my favorite candidate, then forgot to vote for him.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Yesterday during a rally in Michigan, Sen. Sanders dropped a bombshell about burning down. He only smoked twice. I don’t think this admission is on brand for Bernie.” – Seth Meyers
“Senator, do you know who your supporters are? I will tell you this much, they’ve smoked marijuana twice … since I started this sentence.” – Seth Meyers
“I for one am shocked by Bernie’s admission. He recorded a reggae cover of a socialist anthem and expects us to believe he only smoked pot twice? Was one of those times ‘for 10 years,’ Senator?” – Seth Meyers
“Of course, these days, you can get medical marijuana if you suffer from things like anxiety, nausea, and depression. And you know who could use a prescription? Every voter in America, because this campaign season has been brutal.” – Seth Meyers
“One of the things revealed in Hillary Clinton’s emails is that she doesn’t know how to charge an iPad. Today, Bill Clinton said, ‘That’s funny, she’s REALLY good at checking an iPad’s browser history.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Sunday night was the series finale of ‘Downton Abbey’. But don’t worry, if you still want to hear a bunch of rich white people talking like it’s the 1920s, tune in to the next Republican debate.” – Jimmy Fallon
