“There were more caucuses and primaries over the weekend. Donald Trump and Ted Cruz each won two states. Rubio won Puerto Rico. Bernie Sanders won a few states. Hillary Clinton won big in Louisiana. Everyone went home with a win letter just like soccer camp. Even John Kasich got one for participation.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Last week, we had Super Tuesday. On Tuesday. This morning I turn on CNN to find out they’re calling tomorrow Super Tuesday 2. There can’t be a Super Tuesday 2. Tuesday 2 already has a name — it’s Wednesday.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Yesterday there was yet another presidential debate. I think it was like the 247th debate in this election. During this debate between the Democratic candidates, CNN anchor Don Lemon referenced the Broadway musical ‘Avenue Q’, asking if everyone is a little bit racist and what racial blind spot do you have? ‘What racial blind spot do you have’ is an unanswerable question. No one is going to answer that. No candidate is going, ‘Well, Don I’m glad you asked. I’m racist in the following way.’ Why are they asking questions about musicals?” – James Corden
“In last night’s Democratic debate, Hillary Clinton said that several times a day, she speaks to God. But never for under $100,000.” – Conan O’Brien
“Caitlyn Jenner told an interviewer that Hillary Clinton ‘only thinks of herself’. Jenner said this while promoting the new season of her reality show ‘I Am Cait’.” – Conan O’Brien
“But there was a moment last night where Bernie Sanders kind of struggled. He said when you’re white you don’t know what it is like to live in a ghetto. And some people are angry at Bernie for using the word ghetto. And they’re reacting as if he was just endorsed by the KKK. Actually, they’re not reacting that way. If they were, he would be in first place.” – James Corden
“I personally didn’t see it, actually. I missed hearing Bernie talking about what it’s like to be white last night because I was busy watching the finale of ‘Downton Abbey’, while browsing the L.L. Bean catalog.” – James Corden
“Speaking of white people, a man attended a Donald Trump rally this weekend dressed as the wall that Trump wants to build between the U.S. and Mexico. This person made a powerful political statement. And that statement is: I’m a virgin.” – James Corden
“Donald Trump has dropped to second place in a national poll. On the bright side, he’s still polling Number 1 among ‘Germans of the 1930s’.” – Conan O’Brien
“Over the weekend, Arnold Schwarzenegger officially endorsed John Kasich. Or he said ‘a horse junkie is sick’, it’s hard to tell.” – Conan O’Brien
“He also got a high-profile endorsement from Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnold officially endorsed John Kasich yesterday. Or maybe he endorsed a chicken quesadilla, I have no idea. I really don’t know what he’s saying. He can’t even say ‘State of California’.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“He endorsed Gov. Kasich and gave him a hug, looked like he could pop his head off. This is particularly interesting. Basically Gov. Kasich is hoping to beat the former host of ‘The Apprentice’ with help from the current host of ‘The Apprentice’, Arnold Schwarzenegger.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Marco Rubio has been going hard after Donald Trump, even making fun of Donald’s small hands. And I didn’t have a show on Friday, so it’s been four days since Trump’s response, but I don’t care, this is what I do for a living, and there’s no way I’m going to let an entire election go by without talking about this.” – Stephen Cobert
“But Donald, the issue is out there, and the people have the right to know the size of your ‘Executive Branch’. So I’m calling on you to release the long form. Or the short form. No judgment.” – Stephen Cobert
“Colin Powell said recently that the Republican candidates are playing ‘junior high school tricks on one another’. Powell then excused himself to take a call from someone looking for Dick Hertz.” – Conan O’Brien
