“Hillary Clinton had a coughing fit during a speech and the crowd actually chanted her name as she opened a cough drop. She got applause for choking — or as Jeb put it, ‘Must be nice’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“After his big win in New Hampshire, they say Hillary’s team is trying to dig up dirt on Bernie Sanders. You know what you call someone who digs up dirt on Bernie Sanders? An archaeologist.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The big decision for Sanders will be picking a vice president. It’s important because whoever he chooses is just a prostate away from being the next president of the United States.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Bernie Sanders has been fighting an uphill battle against Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump is battling with anyone who makes eye contact with him. Which means the only one who’s safe is Ben Carson.” – Seth Meyers
“What is going on with the Republicans? I watch these debates. Trump attacks Cruz. Rubio goes after Bush. Bush gets into a fight with Trump. Remember the good old days when the Republicans were all united against the poor and the minorities? What happened?” – Jimmy Fallon
“Pope Francis loudly scolded a fan in Mexico yesterday after the man grabbed his arm and pulled him down. And after hearing that the Pope yelled at a Mexican, Donald Trump converted to Catholicism.” – Seth Meyers
“Donald Trump said at a recent campaign rally that he has ‘never met a human being who’s lied’ as much as Ted Cruz. Then Melania said, ‘You tell ’em, handsome!'” – Seth Meyers
“When Barack Obama was asked if Donald Trump could be president, he said, ‘I continue to believe Mr. Trump will not be president. And the reason is because I have a lot of faith in the American people.’ A president with faith in his citizens? I trust everything this guy says.” – James Corden
“President Obama said he believes Mr. Trump will not be president because the American people ‘recognize that being president is a serious job. It’s not hosting a talk show.’ Maybe I don’t get to do ‘serious’ stuff like pardoning a turkey on Thanksgiving but I’ll tell you something, Mr. Obama: Every minute of every day I’m thinking about how to keep Americans safe from Matt Damon.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“After saying he would never ditch his glasses, this week Jeb Bush appeared wearing contact lenses. Most people actually do look cooler without glasses, but Jeb looks like a turtle who has lost his shell.” – James Corden
“Is anyone else worried that Jeb got rid of his glasses the same week he got a gun?” – James Corden
