“Donald Trump’s plane made an emergency landing in Nashville yesterday after reporting engine problems. When asked what the issue was, the pilot said, ‘Nothing, I just couldn’t take it anymore.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump somehow made the list of nominees for the Nobel Peace Prize. He’s on the list, right next to Pope Francis, which might seem ludicrous because it IS ludicrous. But Trump is excited about it. He might be the first person ever to campaign for Nobel Prize consideration.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Donald Trump said in a new interview that President Obama visited a mosque yesterday because ‘he feels comfortable there.’ Or maybe it’s just because it’s the one place Obama knew he’d never run into Donald Trump.” – Seth Meyers
“Ted Cruz’s wife revealed that the way he alleviates stress is by singing show tunes. Whenever he’s feeling anxious or overwhelmed, like right before a debate, he calls her and sings Broadway show tunes into the telephone. Make no mistake, he still believes that marriage is a sacred union between one guy and one doll.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The Marco Rubio campaign is now selling a T-shirt that calls Marco Rubio ‘bae’. Hillary Clinton called it ‘such a desperate attempt to appeal to young people, I can’t believe I didn’t think of it first.'” – Conan O’Brien
“At last night’s CNN town hall debate for the Democrats, Hillary Clinton said that during her time in the White House, she would actually put on a baseball cap and sunglasses so she could walk around Washington, D.C., unnoticed. The only time it went wrong was when Bill pulled up and said, ‘Hey baby, do you — oh, never mind.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“During last night’s Democratic town hall Hillary Clinton told voters, ‘I never thought I’d be standing on a stage here asking for people to vote for me for president.’ Because she thought she’d already be done being president by now.” – Seth Meyers
“There was another debate between Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders in New Hampshire. They’ve already had so many debates they’re starting to run out of things to fight about. Tonight they sat there quietly like an old married couple at a restaurant.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“At last night’s town hall, Bernie Sanders said, ‘I’ve had good endurance my whole life.’ Then there was an awkward rebuttal by Mrs. Bernie Sanders.” – Conan O’Brien
“Bernie Sanders yesterday interrupted his own speech to rush to the aid of a man who fainted in the audience. Luckily, Bernie was able to shout him back to consciousness: ‘ARE YOU OK? WAKE UP, THE MIDDLE CLASS IS DISAPPEARING!'” – Seth Meyers
“A tattoo shop in Vermont is currently offering a free tattoo of the outline of Bernie Sanders’ head. Or as they’re calling it, a ‘gramp stamp’.” – Seth Meyers
