“On Monday, Hillary Clinton narrowly won in Iowa, with the final results showing that she beat Bernie Sanders by less than 1 percent. And you thought Bernie was mad at the 1 percent BEFORE.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Ted Cruz and Hillary Clinton were named the winners of Monday’s Iowa caucuses. Cruz celebrated by giving a speech to his supporters, and Hillary celebrated by moving her stuff into the White House.” – Seth Meyers
“Hillary is facing criticism for declaring victory in Iowa prematurely. The final results weren’t actually announced till around 1 p.m. on Tuesday, but she declared victory back in April of last year.” – Jimmy Fallon
“This Sunday is Super Bowl 50, between the Denver Broncos and the Carolina Panthers. Of course it’ll be weird when they do the coin toss before the big game, and the winner is still somehow Hillary Clinton.” – Jimmy Fallon
“On the Republican side, Ted Cruz made history by becoming the first Hispanic to win the Iowa caucus. Then Cruz said, ‘And the first Canadian! — I mean, nothing!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Sarah Palin accused Ted Cruz of lying about Ben Carson and stealing the Iowa caucus. This is my favorite thing in politics, when people lie and cheat to get the evangelical Christian vote.” – Conan O’Brien
“This morning, Donald Trump tweeted that Ted Cruz ‘illegally stole’ the election. Trump said, ‘Everyone knows you’re supposed to illegally BUY the election.'” – Conan O’Brien
“After the caucus in Iowa, the candidates who had no chance to win are finally starting to realize that and drop out. Rick Santorum announced he’s suspending his campaign after he finished 11th in Iowa and Rand Paul is suspending his campaign after finishing fifth. I like that they call it suspending, as if their campaigns got caught having sex under the bleachers and will be back in a couple of weeks.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“This week, Mike Huckabee, Martin O’Malley, Rand Paul, and Rick Santorum have all decided to drop out of the race. Which explains Jeb Bush’s new campaign slogan, ‘I can’t take a hint.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Jeb Bush finished sixth behind Rand Paul who dropped out, but Jeb Bush is still running. He doesn’t know what to do — if he loses he can’t go home because his father and brother will laugh at him.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Rand Paul deserves a lot of credit. He said time and time again he believes in smaller government. Now that he’s out of the race the government is indeed one person smaller. That’s called practicing what you preach.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“After receiving less than 1 percent support in the Iowa caucuses, Martin O’Malley suspended his presidential campaign. In a related story, the New York Jets have announced that they’ve decided to not play in the Super Bowl this weekend.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Recently released documents show that former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer donated $50,000 to Martin O’Malley’s presidential campaign. It’s not the first time Spitzer spent that much on something that only lasted an hour.” – Seth Meyers
“Bernie Sanders says his campaign is trying to appeal now to senior citizens. The problem is, every time Bernie says, ‘Feel the Bern’, the seniors think he’s talking about acid reflux.” – Conan O’Brien
“A Papa John’s customer is suing the restaurant over what he calls an improper 16-cent tax. He’s also suing them for ‘improper use of the word ‘pizza’.'” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama today made his first visit to a mosque while in office. He visited a mosque! Which means he’s officially entered the phase of his presidency known as ‘come at me, bro’.” – Seth Meyers
