“We’re one week away from the Iowa caucuses and all the candidates are doing whatever they can to appeal to voters. Donald Trump even went to a church service in Iowa over the weekend. You can tell he doesn’t go to church much because he was like, ‘I really like the part where they passed me the basket of free money.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“California police are on the fourth day of a manhunt for three escaped convicts. The dangerous sociopaths are believed to be headed to Iowa so they can vote for Donald Trump.” – Conan O’Brien
Donald Trump said this morning during an interview that Ted Cruz ‘looks like a jerk’. And claimed that Cruz has no friends in Congress and is usually standing all by himself. So is he running for president or leader of the Plastics?” – Seth Meyers
“Ted Cruz has been joined on the campaign trail by former candidate Gov. Rick Perry. So in other words, Ted Cruz is the No. 1 choice of the guy who was nobody’s choice.” – Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump said that Ted Cruz is a liar who looks like a jerk. Not to be confused with Trump, who is a jerk who looks like a liar.” – Seth Meyers
“On CNN last night they had what they call a town hall meeting where the Democratic candidates try to woo the Iowa voters. The only clear winner of this debate-slash-meeting was the farmer who got $30,000 to let CNN park the satellite trucks in his corn field.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Democrats held a presidential forum last night on CNN where candidates were interviewed individually. Candidates were asked questions like, ‘What would you do about the wage gap?’ ‘Do you plan to raise taxes?’ And, ‘How did you get in here?’ – Seth Meyers
“Someone asked Hillary who her favorite president was, and she said — with apologies to President Obama — ‘My husband, Bill. My favorite is Abraham Lincoln.’ And then Bernie Sanders said, ‘Senator, I knew Abraham Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln was a friend of mine. And you, ma’am, are no Abraham Lincoln!'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Last night CNN hosted a Democratic forum where Hillary Clinton said that if she’s elected she wants to work together with Republicans and even said she’d give them all bear hugs. By bear hugs she means like the ones you saw in ‘The Revenant’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Martin O’Malley, who for some reason is still under the impression he’s running for president, got some good shots in, but this was his big moment. During the Q&A portion he said, ‘I can’t just sit here. I have to take off my jacket and stand up!’ And he rolled up his sleeves and showed off his body. It’s like ‘Magic Martin’.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Ben of Ben & Jerry’s has come out with an ice cream inspired by Bernie Sanders. A carton costs $3.99 but when you include tax, it’s $200 million.” – Conan O’Brien
“The Iowa caucuses are less than a week away. Then after that the candidates can go back to ignoring Iowa completely.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“We give so much attention to who Iowa picks. Since 1980 the Iowa Caucus has predicted the Republican nominee incorrectly four times. They only got it right twice. You get better odds when you have a zoo animal predict the winner of the Super Bowl than these Iowa caucuses.” – Jimmy Kimmel
