“Yesterday in Iowa, Sarah Palin gave a 20-minute speech to endorse Donald Trump for president, while Trump stood off to the side. Palin described Trump as a great leader, while Trump described being quiet for 20 minutes as the most painful experience of his life.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Critics are calling Sarah Palin’s endorsement speech of Donald Trump ‘bizarre,’ ‘meandering,’ and ‘mystifying.’ In other words, she’s still got it.” – Conan O’Brien
“A new poll shows that, in Florida, Donald Trump has the support of nearly 50 percent of Republican voters. However, since it’s Florida, at least 25 percent of those voters probably won’t make it till Election Day.” – Conan O’Brien
“Senator Lindsey Graham said this week that Donald Trump is the ‘most unelectable’ Republican he has seen in his lifetime. Then he walked by a mirror and said ‘whoops, never mind.'” – Seth Meyers
“According to a new report, emails on the private server Hillary used when she was secretary of state did indeed have classified information in them. This was described as above top secret stuff. Which I didn’t know there was an above top secret. You think top would be top. But I guess it’s like ‘America’s Top Model,’ they’re not really top” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Bernie Sanders is having a very good week. He doesn’t know how to use email so that’s not a problem.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Sanders is leading Hillary Clinton in New Hampshire by 27 points. Bernie is very well liked among Democratic voters. Among those likely to vote in the primary, his favorability rating is 91 percent — that is incredibly high. As are many of his supporters.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Jeb Bush misspoke during a campaign event yesterday and mistakenly called President Obama’s daughter ‘Malala’ instead of Malia. And THEN, when he tried to say Sasha’s name, it came out ‘I don’t want to run for president anymore.'” – Seth Meyers
“Jeb Bush was talking about the Obamas yesterday and mispronounced their daughter Malia’s name, and it sounded like he said ‘Malala.’ Then his brother George was like, ‘Heh — looks like the student has become the mustard!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Jeb Bush mistakenly referred to President Obama’s daughter Malia as ‘Malala.’ When Jeb Bush apologized for his mistake, Malia said, ‘Don’t worry about it, Jethbo.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Last night, C-SPAN aired a debate in New Hampshire among 23 ‘fringe presidential candidates.’ The fringe candidates included a Libertarian, a white supremacist, and Jeb Bush.” – Conan O’Brien
“According to a new report, by 2050, the world’s oceans will contain more plastic trash than fish. So the next time you get dumped, remember: There’s plenty of trash in the sea.” – Seth Meyers
“The ‘best countries’ report was released at the World Economic Forum in Switzerland today. According to them, the best country in the world is Germany. Although at first Steve Harvey said Colombia and everyone got excited.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Germany came in first, Canada was second, the United Kingdom third, the United States fourth. When Donald Trump finds out about this, he’s going to sell a lot more hats, that’s for sure.” – Jimmy Kimmel
