“Donald Trump is on the show tonight, and I’m not saying security is tight, but the Secret Service just built a giant wall around the building — we had to pay for it!” – Jimmy Fallon
“During a Donald Trump rally yesterday, a man was kicked out for yelling, ‘This is boring.’ The man then went to a Jeb Bush rally and realized he owed Trump an apology.” – Conan O’Brien
“Republican candidates aired a dozen new TV ads last week, even though recent data has shown that TV ads are mostly ineffective. Chris Christie was like, ‘If TV ads aren’t effective, why do I keep going to Wendy’s for their Gouda Bacon Cheeseburger, here ONLY for a limited time?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The truth is that the odds of you winning [the lottery] are 290 million to 1. That means are you about as likely to win the Powerball as you are to ever hear the words ‘President Jeb Bush.'” – James Corden
“Over the weekend, Bernie Sanders said that if he’s elected, he plans to spend $1 trillion to fight unemployment. When asked what they would do with that kind of money, unemployed people said, ‘Retire!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The White House revealed over the weekend that President Obama privately met with Bernie Sanders. And when she heard this, Hillary Clinton fake-smiled so hard, her ears touched in the back.” – Seth Meyers
“Tomorrow night is Obama’s last big event, the State of the Union. And this year, the president’s speech is going to be what his aides are calling ‘non-traditional.’ So I assume it’s maybe barefoot, on the beach, everyone’s in linen, rolled cuffs, and instead of a State of the Union cake, maybe cupcakes.” – Stephen Colbert
“Dennis Hof, the owner of Nevada’s famous Bunny Ranch Brothel, has announced he will run for Senate in 2016. Even though the only experience he has with politicians is telling them to ‘come back soon!'” – Seth Meyers
“On Friday, Joaquin ‘El Chapo’ Guzman was finally captured by Mexican authorities, six months after tunneling out of prison for the second time. It’s good they put him on a helicopter. Once it’s airborne, it makes the tunneling a little more hazardous.” – Stephen Colbert
“Mexican officials revealed Sunday that fugitive drug lord El Chapo nearly escaped by using a secret doorway hidden behind a mirror. Which would have made it hard to capture him since Mexico has no extradition agreement with Narnia.” – Seth Meyers
“A day after he was caught, it came out that Mexican drug lord El Chapo actually sat down for an interview with Sean Penn while he was on the run. In the interview, El Chapo described himself as ‘a person who’s not looking for problems in any way.’ You know, except for that whole ‘Mexican drug lord’ thing. ‘I’m just a humble drug lord! I chop up my enemies one leg at a time, just like anybody else.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“El Chapo is the Mexican drug kingpin who was recaptured on Friday. He has been in hiding since he escaped from a maximum security prison in July and somehow wound up doing an interview with Sean Penn. Apparently he was hoping to get a movie made about his life. What a great plot twist, adding Sean Penn. I mean, the thing is writing itself. I wonder who Sean will get to play Sean in the movie.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“El Chapo is back in the same prison he escaped from six months ago but they revoked his tunnel privileges this time. The plan is they’re hoping to extradite him to the United States so he can be tried by a jury of his customers.” – Jimmy Kimmel
