“At a rally last night in Vermont, Donald Trump refused to let anyone in that wasn’t a Trump supporter, but several protesters got in anyway. So keep that in mind the next time you listen to the guy whose biggest campaign promise is keeping people from sneaking in.” – Jimmy Fallon
“In an interview on ‘Morning Joe’ yesterday, Donald Trump said that he thinks the media is starting to like him. Then the media said, ‘Like you? Have you seen our ratings? We LOVE you!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump’s wife, Melania, gave an interview and said she remembers her first date with Donald like it was two months ago. Then it got awkward when she was like, ‘But the marks on my wall clearly show that it’s been 17 years, two months, and six days.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump is questioning whether his opponent Ted Cruz is actually a U.S. citizen because, in 1970, Cruz was born to a Canadian-Cuban father and an American mother and I’m going to guess a crock of Dippity-do.” – Stephen Colbert
“Donald Trump is now accusing Ted Cruz of having a Canadian passport. Cruz said he doesn’t have a Canadian passport, but like everyone else he’ll get one the minute Donald Trump becomes president.” – Conan O’Brien
“Cruz has mocked the ridiculousness of Trump’s allegations by posting a video on Twitter of Fonzie from ‘Happy Days’ jumping the shark. Which I say proves Cruz is an American, because if he were a Canadian he would have released a video of Celine Dion jumping a Tim Hortons.” – Stephen Colbert
“Jeb Bush in a new interview this week spontaneously announced that he loves his mother more than his father. And then he ended up the interview by running up to his room and slamming the door.” – Seth Meyers
“An autograph expert said that Hillary Clinton’s autograph is the most valuable of all the candidates. For instance, a Hillary Clinton-signed hat is worth about $1500 dollars, while a Jeb Bush-signed hat is worth… whatever the hat cost originally, minus a few bucks for the Jeb Bush signature.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Hillary Clinton complained about having to take selfies with voters, saying that it takes up too much time at campaign events. Yeah, good one, Hillary. That’s the way to capture the youth vote — directly criticize their favorite thing in the whole world.” – James Corden
“Hillary said she doesn’t like selfies because the interaction is very impersonal. She said, ‘If anything is going to be impersonal on this campaign trail, I prefer it to be me.'” – James Corden
“Meanwhile Bernie Sanders announced that he loves selfies. He just hasn’t figured out how to take them on his rotary phone.” – James Corden
“Our current president, the one named Obama, is gearing up for what will be his final state of the union address on Tuesday night. His aides have been describing the speech that he plans to give as nontraditional. Which probably means he’s going to do that ‘watch me whip, watch me nae nae’ dance.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“We’re now just a few days away from President Obama’s final State of the Union Address. Which means Joe Biden only has a few days left to decide what weird thing he’s gonna do in the background.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Vice President Joe Biden in a new interview said that he wakes up every day regretting that he didn’t enter the 2016 race. And every day Hillary Clinton holds the rag over his nose and he goes back to sleep.” – Seth Meyers
“The federal government today unveiled its new list of nutritional guidelines, which recommends that people eat more fruit, vegetables, and whole wheat, or at the very least cut back on foods that have the word ‘triple’ in their names.” – Seth Meyers
