“At a rally in New Hampshire, Bernie Sanders mocked Donald Trump for thinking that climate change is a hoax created by the Chinese. So, at this point, most people are starting to feel like Trump is a hoax created by the Chinese.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump’s wife, Melania, said she was initially attracted to Donald because of his energy. By the way, ‘energy’ is the Slovenian word for ‘money’.” – Conan O’Brien
“The former campaign manager for Dr. Ben Carson said today that it is becoming harder to see how Donald Trump will not win the Republican nomination — while Ben Carson said it’s becoming harder to see, period.” – Seth Meyers
“Very few people remember this, but Sen. Rand Paul is also an eye doctor, so I’ll ask him if he’s going to make America better? Or worse? Better? One? Or two? And he can ask Donald Trump ‘how many fingers am I holding up, Donald?'” – Stephen Colbert
“Members of the British Parliament are going to meet later this month to debate whether or not to ban Donald Trump from entering the UK. One member of Parliament said, ‘Look, we have enough guys with ridiculous-looking things on their heads making sure nobody gets over a fence.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“I’m a little worried about Bernie Sanders. He is currently trailing Hillary Clinton by 17 points. Americans have stopped ‘feeling the Bern’ and are now feeling more of a mild chafing sensation.” – Stephen Colbert
“Bernie Sanders promised yesterday that if elected president, he would cap ATM fees at $2. Then he vowed to get banks to ‘Stop calling it a PIN number!'” – Seth Meyers
“Former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson announced he is running for president as a Libertarian and he supports legalizing marijuana. You can tell he’s pro-marijuana, because he was supposed to announce he’s running four months ago.” – Conan O’Brien
“Since January 1st, Texas is allowing gun owners to carry their guns openly in most public places. However, you still have to conceal your science book.” – Conan O’Brien
“The FDA is planning to prohibit anyone under the age of 18 from using e-cigarettes. The head of the FDA said, ‘It’s not for health reasons, they just make you look so douchey.'” – Conan O’Brien
“North Korea’s claiming that they successfully detonated their first hydrogen bomb. They haven’t perfected color television yet, but they do have a hydrogen bomb.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“North Korea announced last night that they successfully tested a miniaturized hydrogen bomb. The announcement was made by a miniaturized dictator. To him it looked like a great big regular-sized bomb.” – Seth Meyers
“North Korea announced yesterday that it has successfully carried out its first hydrogen bomb test. Either that, or they just got their first Chipotle.” – Jimmy Fallon
“After they made the announcement, the people of North Korea were like, ‘This is great, now can we have food and shoes?'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The government of Iraq has offered to mediate between Saudi Arabia and Iran. You know the Middle East is in trouble when your greatest hope for peace is ‘meeting up in Iraq’.” – Conan O’Brien
