“In a recent interview, Hillary Clinton said that she would investigate UFOs, and said that aliens may have already visited Earth. When he heard that, Trump said, ‘Forget the wall. We need a dome! Just build a huge dome. A huge classy beautiful dome! We’ll make the aliens pay for the dome.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama this afternoon said that guns should come with new safety devices because ‘if a kid can’t open aspirin they shouldn’t be able to pull a trigger.’ And the gun lobby plans to cooperate by making aspirin bottles easier to open.” – Seth Meyers
“In an NPR interview last week, Jeb Bush revealed the ingredients for his guacamole recipe, but wouldn’t give away the specifics of how to prepare it. So now I guess we HAVE to elect Jeb Bush.” – Jimmy Fallon
“After being confronted yesterday by a homosexual protester on whether being gay is a choice, Dr. Ben Carson said, ‘That’s a long conversation.’ Of course, for him, ‘Hello, I’m Ben Carson’ is a long conversation.” – Seth Meyers
