“According to a new poll, Donald Trump was the candidate Americans would least want to have as their neighbor. It makes sense, because he’d build a MASSIVE WALL between your yards and make YOU pay for it.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump said yesterday that if he’s elected, he would ‘probably not talk as much.’ That’s right, if Donald Trump is elected, even HE will be speechless.” – Seth Meyers
“Donald Trump released his first TV ad. The ad will air on the big four networks during prime-time, cable channels during the day, and on Univision when Hell freezes over.” – Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump’s television ad mistakenly shows footage from Morocco instead of Mexico. Trump insists it’s not a mistake, and he’s going to build a fence along the US-Moroccan border and make Morocco pay for it.” – Conan O’Brien
“On ‘Face the Nation’ yesterday, Donald Trump accused Ted Cruz of copying his immigration reform plan, specifically his idea of building a giant wall. Then China said, ‘Uh, hello?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump called Bill Clinton a woman abuser and Hillary Clinton an enabler. Then he called the Clinton marriage ‘the best one I’ve ever seen’.” – Conan O’Brien
“Republican hopeful Carly Fiorina said on Sunday that Ted Cruz will say ‘whatever he needs to say’ to win the election. And it’s true. Just this morning, Ted Cruz said ‘Hi, I’m Hillary Clinton.'” – Seth Meyers
“I imagine Jeb Bush’s resolution was probably to spend more time with his supporter. Hillary Clinton’s resolution is currently being focus-grouped. Donald Trump doesn’t have any resolutions because resolutions are for losers and he’s a winner. Bernie Sanders’ resolution is to catch that damn squirrel that keeps eating the food out of the birdfeeder.” – James Corden
“A new poll found that women in America are angrier about current events than men. And if you want to make them even angrier, just tell them they seem angry.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A militia group that is protesting the U.S. government has taken over a wildlife refuge in Oregon. Of course you can understand why they’re angry, it’s really not easy being a white man in Oregon.” – Conan O’Brien
“Thanks to Congress, meat producers no longer have to tell consumers where their meat comes from. Upon hearing this, Arby’s said, ‘Waaay ahead of you, man.'” – Conan O’Brien
