[I’m a bit behind on posting these. Sorry. Ironically, the jokes are still all pretty much the same. – iron]
“A new poll found that Hillary Clinton is now increasing her lead over Bernie Sanders. Experts say Bernie would need something major to regain people’s attention. Then Bernie was like, ‘All right, leak the sex tape.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“For Christmas, first lady Michelle Obama said both her daughters asked for money. Or, as Fox News reported it, ‘Obama Gives More Handouts to the Unemployed.'” – Conan O’Brien
“A new study claims the stress of being president takes three years off your life. So suddenly everyone is thinking of voting for Trump.” – Conan O’Brien
“The fifth Republican presidential debate was held earlier tonight. Now, obviously, we taped the show before it aired, but I think I can do a recap anyway — Trump offended minorities, Cruz dissed Obama, and John Kasich ate his podium out of frustration.” – Seth Meyers
“Last night at a casino in Las Vegas, Donald Trump declared, ‘I expect to win Iowa.’ Which is odd because, usually when Trump is around a casino, the only thing he declares is bankruptcy.” – Conan O’Brien
“Chris Christie got moved up from what they call the kids’ table to the main debate. Apparently he ate everything on the kids’ table so they had to move him.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The fifth Republican debate took place tonight in Las Vegas. The Vegas debate included nine candidates, and, due to a little mix-up, Celine Dion and a white tiger.” – Conan O’Brien
“The debate starring Donald Trump and friends took place at the Venetian hotel in Las Vegas, moderated by Celine Dion.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Tonight’s Republican debate was held at the Venetian in Las Vegas, which means that for just one night, Celine Dion won’t be the loudest thing in Las Vegas.” – Seth Meyers
“Ahead of tonight’s Republican debate over on CNN, Donald Trump’s doctor released his medical records. He said that Trump has never used alcohol or tobacco in his life. Which explains how Trump got so good at ruining a party.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Trump leads Ted Cruz by 27 points in the new Monmouth poll. I don’t know if I trust these polls. Basically Donald Trump is leading among people who still answer their landline at their house.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“After protesters interrupted a Donald Trump rally last night, some attendees were heard yelling the Nazi salute ‘Sieg heil’. Which is alarming, but it doesn’t mean that Donald Trump is the same as Hitler. It just means that if you looked up Hitler on Amazon, Trump might show up in the ‘You may also like’ section.” – Seth Meyers
“Jeb is America’s fourth favorite Bush — after George, the other George, and of course, the baked beans.” – Stephen Colbert
“Bush has sent an email to his supporters promising that as an early Christmas present, if you give him $25, you won’t receive any more email requests for cash the rest of the year. It’s a political strategy borrowed from the mob.” – Stephen Colbert
2 Comments
If NY gets Cruz deported, then we will demand the return of Celine Dion to the Land of the Two Justins.
Sanders isn’t all about health care.. His main think as you know is balancing the opportunity curve for the middle class. And campaign finance. Which is why we should elect him. The single payor thing is the right way to go as you admit but using excuses not to implement it is conservative thinking. The sooner we do it the better. As the people realize that Sanders is our only chance to make the needed changes for our country to heal the congress will get bluer and more den governors will be elected and the enaction of these things can happen.