“I saw that after his recent comments about Muslims, Donald Trump was fired as a global ambassador for Scotland. Which is ironic, ‘cuz if there were ever a human version of bagpipes, it’s Donald Trump.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A Middle Eastern retail chain called Lifestyle announced that it’s pulling Donald Trump’s home decor products from its shelves. But I guess they’ll still be available at that other store, ‘Hate and Barrel.’ Or that OTHER store, ‘Walllllll-Mart.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump has canceled a planned trip to Israel. When asked why, Trump said, ‘They already have a wall and a fear of Muslims. My work there is done.'” – Conan O’Brien
“During a photo shoot for Time Magazine, a bald eagle tried to attack Donald Trump. The only thing that saved Trump’s life was the angry hawk living in his hair.” – Conan O’Brien
“The New York Times and CBS released a poll this morning that shows Donald Trump in his strongest position of primary season. While Jeb Bush remains in the SAME position – fetal.” – Seth Meyers
“Hillary Clinton told People Magazine that her granddaughter called her ‘grandma’ for the first time on the same night as the first Democratic debate. Then Hillary gazed into her granddaughter’s eyes and said, ‘This is my night, not yours. Pick your moments.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“In his interview with People Magazine, Bernie Sanders said that his grandchildren sometimes call him ‘Grandpa Bern.’ Which sounds less like a term of endearment and more like a medical condition. ‘You’ve got Grandpa Burn. That’s why it hurts when you go.'” –Jimmy Fallon
“Kim Jong Un will be sending his personal all-girl band to China next week in an effort to improve the relationship between the two countries. They’ll be playing all their hits, like ‘Never Let Me Go,’ ‘Can I Stay Here Awhile,’ and their newest single, ‘Seriously Though, I’m Begging You Please Don’t Make Me Go Back There.'” – Seth Meyers
