“Christmas is right around the corner which means any day now, Donald Trump should be tweeting out an insult to Santa. ‘He’s fat and old and he uses illegal laborers.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“After CNN said they would not pay Donald Trump the $5 million he wanted to appear at the next debate, Trump said he would appear for free. And then he went back to saying what an amazing negotiator he is. ‘I’ll do it for $5 million – No? Zero? Okay. Free is my final offer.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“There was a big ceremony at the Capital yesterday to unveil a marble statue of Dick Cheney. People said, ‘Wow, he looks so life-like.’ And then Cheney said, ‘Actually, the statue’s over there.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Russia is planning to build a base on the moon where astronauts will live permanently. When asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless landscape, the Russians said, ‘No, that’s why we want to go to the moon.'” – Jimmy Fallon
