“In a recent interview, Donald Trump’s daughter Ivanka said that there are times when she disagrees with her father. But then there are MORE times when she likes the idea of inheriting a billion dollars. Double-edged sword.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump is still under fire for mocking a reporter with physical disabilities. Trump told his supporters, ‘Don’t worry, I’ll soon do something worse and all this will be forgotten.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Forecasters say El Niño should bring much-needed rain to California. Meanwhile, Donald Trump said if elected president he won’t let El Niño into the country.” – Conan O’Brien
“It seems like as the election goes on, we’re actually starting to learn more about all of the candidates. For instance, I just saw that Chris Christie prefers texting to making phone calls. But I guess it starts to get annoying when he keeps texting ‘U up?’ to Domino’s.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Chris Christie said that if elected president, he would not rule out waterboarding. Then he said, ‘Not for prisoners, but as a way to prepare chicken.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Paul Ryan, the new speaker of the House, showed up to Congress with a brand new beard. It’s weird that he’s Speaker of the House, since it looks like he definitely shares an apartment with the other three guys in his band.” – James Corden
“This is the first speaker of the house to have any facial hair since Republican Frederick Jillette, who led the house from 1919 until 1925! Now incidentally, Paul Ryan is also the first politician in 100 years to have a beard that isn’t his wife.” – James Corden
“The Associated Press just announced that they are no longer including Hillary Clinton’s maiden name ‘Rodham’ in articles about her, nor will they call her ‘Mrs. Clinton’ anymore. While Republicans have announced that they will no longer call Hillary by the name ‘Lady Voldemort’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Pope Francis is calling for an audit of all the Catholic Church’s wealth. In a related story, Pope Francis is missing.” – Conan O’Brien
“Amazon just unveiled new prototype drones for its Prime Air delivery service, and it said it hopes to deliver packages in under 30 minutes. Then people waiting to depart from LaGuardia were like, ‘How much weight can they hold? I’ll try it.'” – Jimmy Fallon
