“The group Anonymous, an international network of computer hackers who attack websites and steal personal information in the name of justice, announced last week that they are going to war with ISIS. As if ISIS didn’t already have its hands full, now they have to change all their passwords!” – James Corden
“So far, Anonymous has been responsible for the deletion of over 5,000 ISIS Twitter accounts. That’s right. They’re hitting ISIS where it hurts the most. Retweets.” – James Corden
“Right now, all the ISIS Facebook accounts are posting messages like ‘Guys, I think I’ve been hacked. If you got a message from me saying, ‘I love America,’ that wasn’t me. Clearly, I hate America. You guys know me.'” – James Corden
“Remember earlier this year when a hacker group released all the names of users of Ashley Madison? You remember that? What if this ISIS thing plays out like that? Can you imagine how embarrassing it would be if Anonymous leaked a list of ISIS members and your dad was on it?” – James Corden
“This weekend, one of the heads of the infamous Gambino crime family gave an interview in which he announced that the mafia was prepared to protect New York City from ISIS. How did they announce this? Isn’t the mafia supposed to be secretive?” – James Corden
“A new poll found that 54 percent of Americans say it’s too early to be playing Christmas music. I couldn’t agree more. Now let’s talk about the 2016 presidential race.” – Seth Meyers
“Ted Cruz’s campaign announced that it’s going to launch a national ‘prayer team’ next month, where people will pray for Cruz to win. Then God said, ‘Oh I tuned out of this thing weeks ago.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“After a protestor was assaulted at a Donald Trump rally this weekend Trump told reporters, ‘Maybe he should have been roughed up because it was absolutely disgusting what he was doing.’ And he might have a point, because what the man was doing was attending a Trump rally.” – Seth Meyers
“Donald Trump’s daughter Ivanka said that her father loves eating at McDonald’s. It makes sense, considering the ‘McFlurry’ is also what Trump asks for when he goes to the barber.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump said in an interview today that it is highly unlikely that he would ever use nuclear weapons as president. Meanwhile, Ben Carson said, ‘Hey, what does this button do?'” – Seth Meyers
“In a speech last week, Bernie Sanders called for a new global alliance with Russia and the Middle East to fight threats around the world. Then people said, ‘You mean like Russia and the Middle East?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“We have Adele on the show tonight! We thought we’d do everyone a service and help them get their crying out BEFORE Thanksgiving.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A new study has found that specially trained pigeons can have up to an 85 percent accuracy rate of detecting breast cancer in humans. Which means that 15 percent of the time it’s just a pigeon staring at your boobs.” – Seth Meyers
