“Tomorrow night is the second Democratic debate! It’s the perfect way to spend a Saturday night if you’re single. And it’s raining. And every movie theater is closed. And you only get one channel.” – Jimmy Fallon
“This time, the debate will feature just three candidates: Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and Martin O’Malley. Or as viewers call them, ‘Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and Bathroom Break.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Bernie Sanders got an endorsement from the American Postal Workers Union. Well, Bernie Sanders’ neighbor got the endorsement, but it was meant for Bernie. He’ll get it eventually.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Lately, Trump has been pretty cranky about losing his lead in the polls over retired neurosurgeon and ‘Guy who sits next to you in an otherwise empty theater,’ Ben Carson. Evidently, people have been looking at Trump and thinking, ‘Maybe we shouldn’t elect a man who shouts crazy things. Maybe we should elect a man who whispers crazy things.'” – Stephen Colbert
