Political Irony

“A new report from CNN suggests that Ben Carson made up the stories of his violent temper from his youth, including one where he said he almost stabbed a kid. That’s how weird this presidential election is: A candidate is now in trouble because he DIDN’T stab someone as a kid.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Ben Carson claims when he was a kid he tried to stab another kid but the kid’s belt buckle got in the way and saved him. Some people don’t believe this happened. So now he’s found himself in the very unusual position of having to say, ‘Yes, I did too try to stab somebody!'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Dr. Ben Carson is drawing intense criticism after reports have surfaced that he may have embellished his history of violence as a teen, his scholarship to West Point, and other parts of his life story. Not only that, but it turns out the twins he separated were fraternal.” – Seth Meyers

“I had the cutest thing happen last night. I was putting my daughter to bed, and she asked me to read her a fairy tale. I said, ‘Mother Goose?’ She said, ‘No, Ben Carson.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Ben Carson apparently has a painting of himself with Jesus. When he heard this, Larry King said, ‘Big deal, I have a selfie with Jesus.'” – Conan O’Brien

“RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said today that the media is unfairly fixating on Dr. Ben Carson. And Ben Carson said that Reince Priebus is a condition that can result in blindness if left untreated.” – Seth Meyers

“Meanwhile, Ben Carson’s campaign launched a 60-second ad that features a rap about Ben Carson, aimed at young black voters. So you know what that means – it’ll do great with young white voters.” – Jimmy Fallon

“In a recent interview, Jeb Bush said that his 91-year-old dad doesn’t give him much advice and instead, just drinks martinis and gets massages all day. When asked how many martinis he drinks, the massage therapist said, ‘As many as possible before I massage a 91-year-old man.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree arrived on Friday. They’re calling the tree ‘Jeb’ because it’s a dying bush.” – Seth Meyers

“Jeb Bush also said that he’s learning to toot his own horn a little better, which is good because pretty soon he’s going to be the one driving his campaign bus.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Everyone on the GOP side is about to get plenty of face time at tomorrow’s fourth Republican debate. All eyes are on Marco Rubio. He looked presidential at the last debate thanks to his brilliant strategy of standing next to Jeb Bush.” – Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump is actually starting to run some radio ads where he accuses politicians of being ‘all talk and no action’. Which is ironic – since radio ads are LITERALLY all talk and no action. That’s what radio is.” – Jimmy Fallon

“After nearly seven years in office, President Obama has finally scored one of his biggest political achievements. That’s right, today Barack Obama joined Facebook.” – James Corden

“The president actually signed up this morning, which means by noon, Sasha and Malia had already started ignoring friend requests from him.” – James Corden

“SeaWorld is phasing out its killer whale show. Or as Fox News reported it, ‘More killers set free under Obama.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Even Bernie Sanders is on Facebook, except he can’t log in without a modem and one of those ‘Free AOL’ CDs.” – James Corden

“Obama and Facebook actually have a lot in common. They both captured America’s hearts and minds eight years ago, and they both seem to bring out a lot of racism in people.” – James Corden

“Bernie Sanders this weekend argued against the major political fundraising families, saying, ‘That is not called democracy, that is called oligarchy.’ Bernie, you gotta dumb it down a little. Most Americans think ‘oligarchy’ is that place that serves unlimited breadsticks.” – Seth Meyers

“A Colorado marijuana dispensary this week is opening the country’s first combination pot store and gas station. On the downside, you’ll have no idea what you’re getting when you order the Premium Diesel.” – Seth Meyers

“As of yesterday the 2016 presidential election is just one year away, which means it’s only 11 months until voters start paying attention.” – Stephen Colbert